Mom on a Mission

The Binkie Blues

2010-07-17T23:01:00.004-04:00

SOMEONE HELP ME, PLEASE!!! I'VE GOT THE BINKIE BLUES...

If it's one thing my son has no problem telling you he needs, even over food, it's his cuppy, his baby and his binkie. I don't mind the first two, but this binkie is driving me crazy. When he was 12 months, I said I was throwing it out at 18 months. At 18 months, I said 24 months was going to absolutely be the end. Well, umm...yeah... We're going on 25 months now and he has it more than he did in the previous months, what the heck?!

I don't know what has made taking the binkie away harder than anything else. He turned 1 on a Friday, by Sunday he was drinking out of a sippy cup. I can't even remember the bottle stage, it's been so long. I also limited use of the binkie. Instead of having it all day long, he could only have it at nap and bed time.

Now?! Ugh, like I said, he seems to have it more throughout the day now than he has in the past year. This wasn't how I envisioned things. We're working backwards instead of forward. Of course one could say, "Just don't give it to him then" but come on, we all know it's easier said than done with a toddler. I try to take as much whining for it and saying, "No" as many times as I can, but I eventually can't take it anymore and just give in. {Yes, I am punk, don't judge me}

For as long as I can remember, I've always been taught to "pick your battles". Lately, I have been trying to really focus on this potty training business. He is in Pull-Ups most of the day and has even been wearing training pants! I don't want to take the binkie away and try to potty train him all at once. I can only handle one battle at a time.

I just don't want him to end up being that kid you see at the grocery store, big enough to barely fit into the seat on the buggy with a binkie still in his/her mouth--even though he will usually take it out and leave it in the car with his baby before going in somewhere. I read on one of my parenting boards that cutting the tip off of it would help because then they wouldn't have the sucking effect. Tried that, and he still made a way, LOL. It could have been because I didn't do it on one he uses the most, but I don't want to cut those up since they are personalized. {Yeah, I am that dorky mom who got just about everything I could personalized, LOL}

Another friend recommended putting hot sauce on it. I haven't tried that one yet, but seeing as how he can tolerate things hotter/spicier than I can, I'm a little skeptical on it's effectiveness as well.

Any other parent had the binkie blues? Know someone who did? What did you/they do to get rid of the binkie once and for all???

You Know That One Blog...

2010-07-07T00:58:00.003-04:00

...that you come across randomly. You read through a few of the posts and find some really good reads. Something about the blog catches your interest. Maybe it was really funny or you could totally relate to what the blogger was talking about. You are interested in more of what the blog/blogger has to offer, so you decide you want to follow it or become a fan. That's when you look at the date of the last post. "Wow, this person hasn't posted anything in over six months, so I guess they gave up on the blog and there is no reason to follow it", you think to yourself. I know I've done it a few times myself.

Well, as I blow all the dust off my blog, I realize that has probably happened to so many readers who may have stopped by and noticed I haven't written one post in 2010 and we're already in July.

Can I just take a moment to say I can NOT believe we are already more than half way through 2010 ALREADY?!?!

Now back to your regularly scheduled programming... My intentions were in no way to suddenly just stop blogging. There was just so much going on and life...happened. Something had to give with my lack of time, and this blog just happened to be it. Not to say I didn't enjoy or care for it and those who came by, because I truly do. I just wasn't going to put more on my plate and stress myself out even more for something that really wasn't necessary, like most. On my list of priorities, blogging was at the bottom :-/

I can gladly say that I will start my blogging again. I'm not sure how often, but with all that I have going on right now, I can guarantee some awesome reads. In the past seven months I have: traded in a new car and bought a new truck, moved into an amazing new apartment complex, quit my job, filed for unemployment, got denied for unemployment, appealed that decision, and got denied again. I've filed for Social Security Disability because of my all health issues. Health issues? Yep! Fibromyalgia, Carpal Tunnel Syndrome, Gastroparesis, Insomnia, Borderline Personality Disorder and Depression. I've had my Implanon removed and scheduled an appointment to get a tubal, only to have it canceled and re-schedule and then it be canceled again (think He is trying to tell me something with that one?! LOL). My son has had his tonsils and adenoids removed, as well as tubes put in his ears, he is now two years old already and I recently had to seek out emergency psychiatric services. See why I haven't blogged in forever?

I thank everyone who has stuck by me throughout all this, and I look forward to sharing more, as well as meeting some pretty amazing people in the process. No matter what comes my way, I am still...a Mom on a Mission :)

Enough is Enough

2009-12-29T21:25:00.005-05:00

As I was going over the goals I made for 2009, I realized how I stopped doing some of them towards the end of the year. That's pretty much standard with all lists/goals/resolutions people make at the beginning of the year though right? I know, but I still did really good on the majority of them, but it's this one in particular I did not stick to and things would be so different right now if I had.

So what did I fail miserably at accomplishing this year? One of the ten goals I made for my myself was to "only worry about me and mine in oh nine". Despite being extremely blunt, moody, and anti-BS, I really am a sweetheart with a really BIG, giving heart. Being that way has come back to bite me in the ass more than a few times, in many different ways. Therefore in 2009 I said my main focus was going to be Jaedyn and myself. I was going to stop putting my needs and wants on the back burner in order to be there and help someone else. I wanted to focus as much attention as I could on Jaedyn and getting/doing the things I wanted. Well, like I previously mentioned, I failed at that miserably and like always I ended up regretting it.

Despite losing my father, and dealing with everything that came along with that, I would have to say that I was VERY blessed this year, even though it was a rough one. As a result of me being so blessed, I tried to be a blessing to others in certain ways. Not because I was expecting anything back or planned to get more than simply helping someone out of it, just because that's the type of person I am. If I got it and you need it, then you got it too. If there is something I've been through that I can help guide you on, I'm all ears...or fingers since I'm not much of a phone talker anymore.

I look forward to the night time once I put Jaedyn to bed because for those few hours, I have peace and quiet. It's the only "me time" I get. Whether I have to use that time to pay bills, blog, catch with a few friends, clean, or do other "adult responsibilities", I look forward to and value that time. On many of those occasions, I have set aside time to listen to a friend and issues they had going on. I was their counselor, cheerleader, basically whatever they needed me to be at the time. I was there for them and let them use me as their outlet. I didn't mind too much even though it was taking away from things I needed or wanted to do, because again that's just the type of person I am. You need me and I'm there.

There have been times when someone may have been going through a tough time and need money for something. I gave it to them without a problem. Didn't want the money back, just wanted to know they were able to get what they needed when they needed it. Even with the e-cards and text messages taking over in lines of communication, I am still huge on greeting cards. Got a birthday coming up? I went out of my way to send you a birthday card in the mail. Every since I moved down here and every single bill that came is in my name, it's just something about opening up my mailbox and having something in there that's not a bill! Quite a few people were lucky enough to not only get a card, but money or a gift card in there as well. I know times are tough and any extra money would help, even if it was just twenty bucks.

Now am I balling out of control where I can just up and give every one of my friends money for their birthday's or special occasions? Yeah right! I'm down here on my own with no one helping me pay any bills, I am no longer getting the bit of child support I was getting, and I'm just barely making double digits per hour at work. I balance my checkbook and check my account balance constantly because I am always freaking about just how much is actually left. With Jaedyn's clothes he can no longer fit, I either donate them or there are plenty of times I've given them to other friends for their kids. Yeah they are used, but at one time or another, did I not have to come out of my pocket for everything?! Okay...

Jaedyn and I went to Detroit for Christmas and my birthday (my birthday is the day after Christmas). I didn't want to go, but I felt myself getting into a funk since it'd be the first Christmas without my dad, so I figured it wouldn't be a good idea to be down here alone. When we first got to Detroit Thursday, we did some visiting, then went to my moms. Christmas day came and went like any other day and I really wish I'd stayed in Ohio. It just wasn't the same and we still didn't end up doing much of anything. We went to visit my god mother and that was it. Finally my birthday came. Initially I wanted to do something big since it was my 25th birthday. Nothing exciting really happens after that except for 30 (sheesh, that's old!). As it got closer to the date, I really just wanted to get a room overnight, sleep in as late as I wanted, and do nothing but lay around all day. I didn't want to do anything, I didn't want to see anyone, nothing. I wanted to relax. I seriously need to RELAX!!!

Anyways, everyone kept asking me what I was doing I said I didn't know. I through some ideas out there, but not many responded. It was understandable. I didn't officially plan anything ahead of time to let people prepare, it was the day after Christmas so I know most people were broke and wouldn't have a lot of money to do much, so on and so forth. I did some shopping, had dinner with Jaedyn's god mother and hit the road about 8:30 that night to come back home. We were supposed to stay until Sunday, but I was just so through with Detroit at that point, I couldn't wait to get back home. Every time I go there, it reminds me of all the reasons I moved!

It's now been three days since my birthday. I got tons of "Happy Birthday" texts and wall posts on Facebook. Do you know how many birthday cards I actually got? THREE! Do you know how many people got me anything? TWO! My son's god mother got me a really nice gift (and a card) and my best friend/twin got me a gift card to my favorite store (and a card as well). I didn't mind at first, I wasn't really expecting too much in the first place, but then I got to thinking. I got to thinking about all the shit I've done for people throughout the year. All the money I was nice enough to take out of my pocket to give to them so their birthday would be special, or simply so they'd have some money to do/get whatever they needed. All the things I gave away--secondhand stuff or not, doesn't matter. And all I got was three greeting cards and two gifts...really?!

I thought on that for awhile. I don't do things for people because I'm expecting something in return, so am I wrong for feeling a bit bitter right now??? I kept going over things over and over again. I even asked a few co-workers. Is it so wrong of me to expect a damn 2/$1 birthday card from the dollar store--or hell even a .44 cent birthday card from Walmart?! The answer is NO! Again, I know money was super tight this year, but you mean to tell me these people couldn't go out and at least afford a card and stamp to send it off just to show their appreciation for being there for them all year long, or hell even just because! Even if they had to take a blank sheet of paper and hand make a birthday card would have been special and shown a lot to me. I am such a simple person, the littlest things give me pleasure and make me happy.

As a result, this goal is gonna have to be carried over into 2010 (just gotta come up with another catchy phrase for it) but it's starting now. Enough is enough man. I have been through entirely too much and I have to do and handle way too much on my own. I refuse to continue to give my time, money, or even attention to certain things and people anymore. People will drain you and continue to take from you for as long as you allow them to. All of that ends tonight and will continue on. I'm done! I know that I will be blessed for being there and giving when I did. I will continue to be there and do for those who continue to show some kind of reciprocation. I hate for it to sound like that, but after so long you get sick of always being on the giving end and never the receiving one. From now on I will be distant, non-chalant and simply unavailable to some. If you're one of those people, then know that you were one of the ones I was talking about in this post, so please do not bother to ask. If the shoe fits wear it!

I'm done with my rant now I think. I'm going to get back to my year end review of 2009's goals and begin making the new ones for 2010. I can not wait to wipe the slate clean and begin a new year. It will be a great year and I'm excited to see all the many blessings and opportunities it will bring for my son and I!!!

-Mom on a Mission

Christmas in Ohio

2009-12-28T21:10:00.001-05:00

Jaedyn and I celebrated our first Christmas in Ohio Tuesday, December 22. We were going to Detroit Thursday morning and there was no way I was bothering to pack up the presents in my car just to open them and have to bring them all back Sunday. Wednesday night would be spent packing and taking care of a few things before we left town, so Tuesday was the only day I had time to deal with the mess...and boy was it a mess!

Before

After

Needless to say we (Jaedyn) had a very good Christmas. It was hard trying not to get emotional since it was the first one without my dad and the last time Jaedyn opened gifts, my dad was sitting there watching. But, with God comforting me and the smile on Jaedyn's face as he opened all of his presents, I got through it! I hope you and your family had a blessed one!

XOXO
Mom on a Mission

Dear Monday, I hate you

2009-12-14T21:23:00.000-05:00

Today SUCKED!

There's really no other or better way to describe it. It simply sucked. Most Monday's do, however this one takes the cake for the time being. Let me back up a few days for a moment...

I couldn't wait to get to hump day of last week. Wednesday we only had a half day of work, and the rest of the day we were being paid to go to the company's Christmas Party. It was my first one and honestly was better than I expected. I got a little nervous when the president of the company came and sat at our table. At least that was until she decided to buy our whole table drinks. I had my first amaretto sour and she chugged a beer in front of us. Gosh I love PPNEO!

Thursday I had the day off, though it didn't seem like it. I was up ripping and running at 7am as I usually would be. I finally decided to get a 3ft Christmas tree, cleaned the apartment, treated myself to a movie, then went to pick my mom up from the bus station. I was so excited she was coming to visit. Not really because I wanted to see her all that much, but because I would be able to get somewhat of break and some relief (so I thought)!

Friday came and went just like any other Friday. This one wasn't as exciting since I had to get up and work Saturday morning. Half of the patients didn't show so the morning just dragged on for forever it seemed. Later on that evening, I took my mother & Jaedyn out to Red Lobster for dinner. I don't think I will ever get enough shrimp :)

Sunday was frustrating. I didn't get to take my kinky twist out Saturday night like I planned so I ended up spending the entire morning doing that. I shampooed my hair, took my first shower by myself for the first time in...months, then went to get my hair done. I was so glad I found someone who could do my hair in Akron, instead of having to go back to Detroit to get it done again. Had I known it would take her almost 4 hours to do the style I wanted, I would have gotten something else or came at another time. I didn't get back home until after 9:30pm and I still had to finish laundry and prepare for the rest of the week. Grrr...

I needed to go to bed early Sunday night because I had an interview Monday morning before I went in to work. Saaaay whaaaaat? Yep, that's right. I had an interview.

Back in August, I interviewed with this place for a managerial position at a residential group home. The benefits were great, the pay was salaried and good, just the hours sucked! It was a 1 to 9pm shift and if any of my staff members called off in the middle of the night--or when ever, and I couldn't find anyone to replace them, I'd have to go in and work that shift. Not really the type of job for a single mother with no support in the area. I was going back & forth about grad school during that time as well. I couldn't do both so I decided to pursue grad school and we all know how that turned out

I can't remember if it was near the end of the workday on Tuesday or Wednesday when I got a random unknown call. I usually don't answer those, but I stepped into an exam room to see who it was. Even though it had been about 4 months, a lady from the company I interview with in August was calling to see if I was still interested in the position and if I'd be willing to come in for an interview!

Wow.

I didn't even know they still had my information on file. Obviously they thought I was pretty darn good the first time right?! Anyways, we figured out a time for me to come in early Monday morning before I went in for work. She didn't mind me coming in my scrubs or anything.

Monday morning comes and I totally BOMBED that interview. I don't think I have ever been so unprepared and done so bad on an interview before. I did not brush up on information about the company the night before, I was super sleepy so I couldn't think straight or even get my answers out right. I stumbled through just about every question she asked me. It was seriously awful and I'm really upset with my myself about that because that's not me. I know I'm known for being super critical and hard on myself, but I'm honestly not over exaggerating this time. I really messed that up. Instead of sending a thank you letter, I wanted to send one apologizing to her for being so unprepared and awful, ugh.

I would be super amazed if I got called back for a second interview. God would seriously have had to intervene with that one. Then again, maybe this job still wasn't really meant to be. Maybe it was just a sign that I need to start looking for another job. My orientation/probation period will be up in a month. After that, we sit down and talk about where I'm at and if they feel as though I am truly the right person for this position. They can either offer me a full time permanent position or decide it's really not for me and let me go. It's driving me crazy because I honestly have no idea which way it's gonna go. Part of me feels like I'm doing a really great job for someone with no medical experience, and the other part of me feels like I won't be there much longer so I don't want to get too comfortable or adjusted. I don't like that feeling and I don't know if me having it means that come middle of January I really won't be there, or if I'm just being too paranoid.

The horrible interview had already set the tone for the rest of the day. The tension between the lady at work that I don't too much care for is growing and making things kind of uncomfortable. I had to tell a 20 year old who already had a school aged child, and a four month old that she was pregnant again. She was taking methadone for back pain and couldn't come off of it, had just gotten clean 6 months ago, and the kids father had just been sent to prison for a year and a half. *sigh* I almost wanted to cry right along with her.

Later in the afternoon, I get a call from my doctor's office stating that they wanted me to come in to go over my blood work. They told me before I left the day I had the testing done that I'd have to come in for my HIV results (since Dec 1 was World AIDS Day, I went in to get tested for that, as well as every other STD out there) even if the results was negative. I wanted her to tell me the other results, but she wouldn't so it made me start freaking out thinking that something was positive. She wanted me to wait until Wednesday night to come in, but there is no way I could or would wait that long. I told her to either tell me over the phone, or get me an appointment to come in that night. I work in the health care field heffa, I know my rights as a patient! She made me an appointment for 8:30 that night.

After an extreme case of anxiety kicked in, I finally saw the doctor about 9:15pm and he told me everything came back normal (negative). Thank you Jesus! My A1C was kind of high and so was my liver function or something like that, but he wasn't too concerned about it. I definitely need to get a better grip on my diabetes. I do not want to end up like my father! Anyways, I got back home barely before 10pm. I don't know what it is but for some reason, when I'm out at night, Jaedyn will not go to bed if I'm not home. Even when I would stay out until 2-3 o'clock in the morning, he'd still be up when I came back home. It's like I'm the child and he is the parent waiting up for me to get home! I got my things together for work the next day and we laid in bed together until sometime after 11pm. I crashed once I laid him down and that's why I'm just now able to finish up this blog. *whew*

Monday has definitely been kicking my ass lately. This one was especially rough because it was so long, but also since I had to work Saturday and even though I had Thursday off, it just didn't feel like I got a real weekend or a chance to relax and fully unwind from the work stress. I don't know what the future holds as far as where this path I'm on is going to lead me (work wise), but where ever I end up, I surely hope it gets better than this. I hate starting off the week on a bad foot :-/ Anyways, thanks for listening guys!

'Tis the season... but what's the reason?!

2009-12-06T21:00:00.000-05:00

I was listening to the Michael Baidsen show on my way home from work a few days and he posed a really good question (as always): Do kids these days know the real meaning of Christmas?

That really hit me, because as I'm listening to his reasoning for asking the question and then the responses from the callers, I had to sit back and ask myself, "Do I even really know the real meaning of Christmas?!?"

The answer was "no"

I got online to do a little research and got a lot of different perspectives. You see, even though I attend a baptist church now, I wasn't always raised in the church. I was raised as a Jehovah Witness up until some time during middle school. Therefore I'm more than behind on my Bible reading & understanding (but my faith is definitely where it needs to be!). Like many Christians are guilty of, I was told one thing about Christmas, and since I didn't know where it came from, what it was about, and so on, I rolled with it. I was told that it was Jesus' birthday and the reason we got presents is because we were all His children and He wanted us to have them, or something along those lines. Which even as I write that now doesn't make sense because we are GOD's children, not Jesus'...I'm right so far right?! Okay, stay with me...

During the not even five minutes I spent reading different things people wrote about it, some people were saying it's really a pagan holiday--or has pagan roots rather--that Jesus wasn't even born in the Winter so how could it be his birthday, and even that Christmas really meant the massacre of Christ and some choose not to celebrate it for that very reason. There were some other things said of course, but those were the main things that stuck out to me.

Going back to this Jehovah Witness ~~mess~~ business again for a minute. If it's one thing I have to...I don't know what to call it... Agree? Side with? Really say "hmmm..." about? You choose which word or phrase fits, but it's basically this: they don't celebrate any holiday's because they are man made and/or celebrated for the wrong reasons. Think about it for a minute...

Why do we need Valentine's Day and Sweetest Day? We're supposed to show the one we are with how much we love and appreciate everyday them right? Why do we need these Hallmark Holiday's as I love to call them, for us to take a day out to do something special? Why can't my man buy me roses, take me out to dinner, and show how much he cares for me February 1st or even December 6th? Why does there have to be a day that someone else set for you to do those things--and hell Sweetest Day isn't even recognized everywhere, nor is it even celebrated for the right reasons!

Now let's take Easter. How the heck did the bunny and Easter egg hunts come into play with it? That's another one to think about too. Do kids know the real meaning of Easter, or do they just know it's a time where they get a super cute outfit to go to church in and then a big pretty basket with all kinds of goodies inside of it?

Finally, this brings me to Christmas. There are plenty of others I could go after, but for the sake of your eyes I will finally get to my point, LOL. What is Christmas all about? What does it mean to you and why do you celebrate it? Do you not care what the meaning of it is about and just chose to follow it because it is the norm and/or because you simply love this time of year AND/OR you just can't wait to get gifts from people?

I'll be honest, I celebrate it because it's the norm and it's the time of the year where people will buy me gifts. Simply put. However, that's the problem. We do things simply because it's the norm, because we don't wanna be the odd ball out or be the rain on people's parades. On the Michael Baidsen show, he was saying that to kids these days, Christmas is all about "gimmie, gimmie, gimmie". They want this and they want that. He had children call into the show during that segment, and he asked the kids if they got 10 toys, would they be willing to give one of them away to a child in need. Of all the calls I heard before getting out the car, none of the kids were willing to give up a NEW toy. They would be willing to give up one of their old toys, but definitely not one of the new ones. I was glad they were honest, but it bothered me as well. Out of 10 toys, a child wouldn't give up one to another child who was not fortunate enough to get anything for Christmas. Are we really that selfish?

So again, I ask, what is Christmas really about? Is it about threatening your kids to behave so Santa will bring them a gift Christmas morning? Is it about showering your child for one day with more gifts than you know you can really afford and that they won't show much interest in come middle of January, instead of possibly spreading it out throughout the year? Is it about decorating your house and putting up more lights than the neighbors? Is it about the special Black Friday deals everyone goes insane for? Is it about a jolly ole fat man who sits in the mall waiting for you to spend even more money, just so your kid will have a picture with him? Is it simply about decorating and displaying a big tree with memorable ornaments on it? What is it?

I said this year that instead of buying gifts for Jaedyn and I that I wanted to adopt a family. However, it wasn't within my budget to do that alone so while I did go ahead and buy my son and I (mainly my son) presents, I did donate to the Summit County United Way, as well as the Battered Women's Shelter. If I ever get PayPal to act right, I will be making another cash donation to The Young Mommy Life Gives Back Campaign. Why did I decide to do that? Am I being a mean, cheap, bitter mother and not spending all of my money to shower my son with gifts come the morning of December 25? Of course not. I'm doing it because Jaedyn and I get to have "Christmas" each and everyday.

It's insane the amount of clothes and toys my son has in his room. Hell, I didn't even have my own room until I was halfway out of elementary school! I rarely go into a store and not come out with something for him. I am constantly buying him things throughout the year. We've been blessed with a beautiful place to stay, a brand new car, and very nice things in general. I feel like I was given a lot despite this being a very rough year, so I wanted to give back instead of keeping everything for us. So why do I need to fret and stress even more about not being able to pay bills for more things he doesn't really need? It annoys me when I see parents going broke and buying their kids a ton of presents (big {expensive} ones too) just because it's Christmas (and don't let it be the first one, my goodness).

I guess I've just come to a point where I'm asking "why?" or "how come?" rather. This year was the first one that Veteran's Day really touched me and made me think as well. Those people are risking their lives each and everyday just so that I can go about mine and live freely. For all they do, we just give them one day of thanks and only like it because of more sales or some of us are lucky enough to be off from work/school? *sigh*

In conclusion, if you choose to shower your child with an abundance of gifts, that is your life and your checkbook, not mine. I just don't want children to think it's just a "gimmie" day and learn what it means to give back. I'm not just talking about giving up one of their toys either. Go to a children's hospital and read a book to one of the children there, volunteer at a soup kitchen, use his/her savings to pick out and buy a gift for a less fortunate child instead of having to give up something from their own list. Then again, I come back to my main point, WHY does it have to be this ONE day that we choose to be merry and do good for others? If that's the reason for this season, why do so many of us only care about people we know personally and always look forward to what we're gonna get instead of what we're gonna give?

Just some thing to think about...

Handcuffs & the Unemployment Line

2009-12-01T21:52:00.005-05:00

What could those two possibly have in common, right?"

Well, I almost ended up in both of them today, that's what they have in common! Let me explain...

I think the last blog I wrote about work described how much I loved it. Well, things have changed since then :-/ Don't get me wrong, I still love most of what I do, but this position is just not for me. I have NEVER wanted to work in the medical field, so it's hard having to learn and deal with all this medical jargon day after day. Besides that, the job is stressful. It kills me when I have a 14 or 15 year olds coming in for a pregnancy tests or their second chlamydia/gonorrhea treatment. Last week I had a guy start crying on me and talking about committing suicide because he had genital warts. Needless to say I was in there with him for a very long time since I couldn't just brush a statement like that off. I could see if it was something like HIV, but suicide over warts?! Maybe it's just me because I'm educated on the topic, but still...

Anyways, it's also hard working there because the clinic staff is ALL women. I think besides the night time janitors, we have one, maybe two male staff members in the entire building! There is this one lady there who has been driving me crazy lately. I know I can be a bit sensitive at times and I'm still relatively new so I don't really know everyone's personality yet, but boy oh boy. She has been extremely short and snappy with me lately and it's taking just about everything in me not to snap back. I've been trying to avoid asking her things and being around her altogether lately but, eh. Today by buttons were really being pushed. It was a crazy day since inventory wasn't done when it was supposed to be, little stupid things were going wrong, and I got in the middle of a Spanish feud--that's the best I can come up with. (Basically: A Latino woman came in for a check up and found out she had chlamydia. She brought her partner in to be treated but he didn't speak English well so she was his interpreter. Without getting into too much detail, we basically narrowed it down that he was the one who gave it to her, but of course he wouldn't admit that. He was trying to tell her she got it from not washing up right or some mess. I'm trying to explain that it's only sexual transmitted and the infections you could get from not being clean, while she is interpreting what I'm saying, yet arguing in Spanish with him at the same time about it. My head was POUNDING and it was barely even 11am!)

I was really trying to stick it out in this position until the one I really wanted opened up within the company, but I don't think I'm going to make it that long. Again, I love interacting with the patients (most of them) and being able to get them the services that they need, but...it's just too much. It's not what I want to do, it's stressful, I'm not making much more than I was when I was on unemployment and the hours suck! So I pray I can get some time, and energy, soon so that I can start the exhausting job hunt again. I try each and everyday to be optimistic about the situation and be grateful I even have a full time job in these times, but man...each and everyday, I'm definitely being pushed to the limit, mentally and physically!

Now about the handcuffs...

I went in at 8:30am and needless to say by the time I got off at 6pm, I was very frustrated. I flew to Jaedyn's day care like I have to do just about every night now, in order to make it there before 6:30 when they close. I do not want to be billed by the MINUTE for coming after 6:30! Yesterday when I went in to pick him up, I heard him crying before I even got the room. {I don't like that} However, he was crying because the teacher took something away from him temporarily so she could fix it and he got upset about it. Okay, that's understandable. That's how he (and all kids) are. Well, today it wasn't okay. I walked in and heard him crying again before I got to his room. When I walked in the room, he was sitting on the floor, red and in tears. I rushed over to him and asked what was wrong. The teacher walks over from where she was and says she thinks he got pushed (wtf, so you weren't watching?!). I got super ANGRY.

I picked him up and comforted him. I asked who pushed him, knowing damn well who did it. The last time he was pushed, the little bastard who is always coming in sick and making him sick did it. He was standing right by Jaedyn so I know he was the one who did it. When I say if looks could kill, mannnnn this little boy would be six feet under right now! This is the part where I hate that I baby Jaedyn so much and that he doesn't have a male figure in his life to help with situations like this. I have never been a fighter and I never will be. I don't believe that is the way to settle your issues, but it took everything {and I do mean EVERYTHING} in me not to trip that little fucker when the teacher turned her back or tell Jaedyn to go push his little ass right back! I let it slide the first time, but you did it to my baby again? Don't he know we from Detroit?! Don't think my baby a punk! (Just kidding...sort of!)

On the way out I went and spoke to the director of the day care about the situation. I asked her what was their protocol for toddlers pushing. She told me redirection, sitting them down with a time out, saying, "no", and some other mess. I let her know that the teacher did none of that and how angry I was that this was the second time it happened. It bet not (yeah I said it) happen again is all I can say! I tried to be nice and speak with the director about it this time, if it happens again I'll be speaking with his mother and I won't be nice about it. Obviously she has some crap going on at home she needs to get corrected. Even though I am a working single mother, if Jaedyn is really sick, he will not be going to day care. When Jaedyn and I BOTH had the flu a couple of weeks ago and I had to miss and entire week of work, guess how we got sick? Because Ms. Inconsiderate decided to let her little boy get the h1n1 vaccine and he was a having a reaction to it and instead of keeping his ass home, she sent him to day care and he got everyone sick. Jaedyn has a running nose and had a cough for a few days recently. Dropped him off at day care the other day, guess who has had a runny nose and cough the past few days? Yep, the little fucker.

I am very careful of what I do and what I say in front of Jaedyn now. Not only is he in his mocking phase, but he is also going through an imitation phase. It will be something I did maybe a whole week ago, that I will see him do and have to sit back and think what he is doing and where he got it from. I rarely ever watch anything on TV that isn't NICK Jr., PBS, etc., because I don't want him picking up certain words or habits. Toddlers just don't up and start pushing one day. It's something they had to have seen or had done to them in order to do it. I can't just wake up and decide I'm going to do something I've never done or seen one day, get what I'm saying?! Even though I occasionally pop Jaedyn, he's not going to day care hitting other kids on their hands, so what's really going on?! Homegirl needs a check in her parenting, quick. My son is already picking her son's nasty cooties, I don't want him picking up his bad behaviors as well. That behavior needs to be corrected and stopped immediately or next time I might be carried away in handcuffs for snatching up someone else's child!

Parents: Has this ever happened to you before? How did you feel the first time you saw or heard about another kid pushing yours? Did you do anything about it? If so, what?

To blog, or not to blog...

2009-11-28T23:49:00.006-05:00

I seriously suck at life right now!

This week I said for sure I was going to finally pop out a couple of posts that had been going around and around inside my head for the longest, but as usual, that didn't go as planned. I was thinking of closing my blog all together and just going back to the occasional Facebook note since it had been so long since I last blogged.

I remember blog surfing and coming across a few really good blogs, but then once I saw there hadn't been any recent posts in awhile, I figured the blogger gave up on it, so there was no need to follow it and continue to come back. I don't want someone who stumbled across my blog to think the same way. I want people to be able to relate to what I have to say in my blog. Not only do I want them to know they aren't alone in whatever they may be going through at that point in time, but I'd like to know I'm not alone in this struggle either you know?

I know that I will never have the time to invest in my blog like a lot of others I know do. They blog constantly throughout the week, post giveaways, have great themes, buttons, etc. There's just no way I have the time to invest in all of that as a working, single mother. If those are the types of blog you like, sorry, but this one isn't the one for you. It's a straight whatever is on my mind at the moment that I have enough time to get out kind of blog.

Initially, I wanted this blog to just be about parenting and my journey as a single mother, but if you've been with me for awhile, you will know that it's some of everything. My life is unpredictable and my blog will be as well. Makes it more...natural and real in a way, if that makes any kind of sense. (Sorry, it's late and I'm a bit drugged up)

I do not want to let this outlet go though. Now that Dancing with the Stars has ended, I should be able to write at least once a week now. I will attempt to shoot for two, but no promises. I truly appreciate the very few followers I do have and those of you who randomly stop by, and especially leave comments so I know you were here. :) I thank you guys for sticking with me and for your patience. I just wanted you guys to know I'm still here and I have things in the works, I've just been too tired and pressed for time to actually make anything happen here. I know I #fail as one would tweet, LOL.

Work so far...

2009-11-07T21:32:00.003-05:00

Whew, it seems like it's been forever since I've been here at this screen. I don't even remember the last time I blogged it's been so long. Every so often I'd come to my blogger dashboard and attempt to write, but end up just staring at the screen, and eventually clicking off to something else. Every since I went back to work, I just haven't had the time, energy or motivation to write anything! Since everyone keeps asking, I guess I'll touch on that...

Hopefully you know where I work by now, and if not maybe you'll eventually catch on. I won't be mentioning the name of the organization anymore for several reasons. One, I don't want someone to search for the name of it and find my blog--for several reasons within that alone. Two, once they find the blog, I don't want to come under any personal attacks because of a search they are doing for negative reasons. (Again, you have to know where I work to know what I'm talking about) It really frustrates me that we provide so many quality services for people, most free of charge or at least at reduced fees, yet the people against us chose to focus on the one tiny part that's apart of our organization (if you don't already know, again, I won't throw it out there).

"How do you like the position so far?" I get asked a lot. I like it. I think I mentioned in a previous post that it's not the position I ultimately want within the company, but for now it's cool. It's a field I've never worked in before, and had no desire to go into, so it's taking some getting used to...and a lot to learn. I was a little hesitant on how it would be working with ALL females, but it's great! Everyone is super friendly, very supportive in helping me get used to things, and man are they an outspoken bunch. It's great to work somewhere that you can laugh throughout most of the day and never know what will come out of your co-workers mouths!

I've been employed three weeks now, but I've only had a week worth of experience unfortunately. The first week was full of training...BORING! The second week was very interesting. I got to see a Mirena being inserted up close and super personal. I got to see genital warts burned off--the dude had the nerve to try to holla at me afterwards too, and I also go to dip some creamy urine to be processed and sent to the lab. Clearly they had a STD. If a guy thinks it's normal for a creamy discharge to come out with his urine, he should seek help immediately. The third week I was out sick with the flu and sinusitis. Looks real good for the new girl to be out a whole week already :-/ One of the two people to continue my on-site training will be dropping her baby any day now--if she hasn't already, and the other one is always all over the place so it's hard to really learn and get the hang of things. I try to pick up what I can as I go though.

I thought being a single mother was hard, but nothing tops being a working, single mother! Every morning I wake up for work, I have to set my alarm 15 minutes earlier than the time I NEED to be up because it takes me that long just to get up out of bed. I HATE getting up early in the morning. I'd rather stay up until 7am than have to get up at that time, but anyways. I get ready, then I get Jaedyn up and ready. I drop him off at day care, then head to work. I'm up on feet the majority of the day which is AWFUL for my back. By the time I get off and go get Jaedyn, I'm like limping inside to get him because my feet, legs, and back are so sore. We get home, usually around 6-6:30pm. I've either stopped to get something to eat on the way home or I'm scrambling to find something to cook real fast. Once we eat, we may get to watch half a cartoon and play together before it's time to get him ready for bed. He goes to bed by 8pm, so really I get about an hour and a half with him. I.HATE.THAT!

I've learned a new appreciation for the weekends though. Not that I've never done anything on the weekends with Jaedyn before, I just try to make them more meaningful now and really appreciate the time we can spend together. He still drives me crazy at times, and tests my patience more and more, but that's to be expected. I'll just be glad when I can finally get into a better routine, get more done throughout the day so I can focus more on us during the weekend, etc. It's hard...I know I've said that already but I can't stress it enough. Just be grateful if you have options, flexibility within your job, and most importantly, help/support!

Please look but don't touch

2009-10-25T21:31:00.002-04:00

Have you seen pictures of my son? I know to EVERY parent their child is the most handsome/beautiful child in the world...even if they look like descendants of the Shrek Family. However, I can unbiasedly say that Jaedyn is very handsome. Sometimes I look at his pics like "man...even though his father is an asshole, we did a hell of a good job!" Or "wow, this handsome little boy is really mine?!" Not to say I think I'm ugly and I'm shocked I had a good looking child lol, I just never knew what to expect.

In the beginning, I used to love when we were out somewhere and people would constantly come up to us with compliments, wanting to see and talk to Jaedyn, etc. "Yeah I have a good looking baby, come see the incredible work I did!" I remember taking to him with me to go vote in the 2008 Presidential Election. This old lady who was working the polls came up to me and gave me a high five for "making such a beautiful baby" LOL. It was hilarious!

Fast forward a year or so to present day (Jaedyn will be 16 months Oct 26) that crap drives me insane now!!! When I just run into the grocery store to grab something quick for dinner, I don't want people coming up to us to talk to him, give him high fives while checking us out, etc. I just wanna get in and get out. I didn't plan extra time in there for you to tell him how cute he is, do things to get him to show his beautiful smile :) and so on!

Now I'm at my breaking point. It's one thing when you stop us from what we're doing, it's another when you put your hands on my child. Of course I don't mean in like a punishing way, I'd be in jail now if someone did that. I think a lot of people without kids and older people struggle with this. I was guilty of it myself before I became a mom. When you see a cute little baby, what is it about them that makes you want to grab and rub on their hand? THAT'S THE FIRST THING A BABY IS GOING TO PUT IN THEIR MOUTH, do not touch my child with your germy hands! I carry hand sanitizer in my purse and on my car keys now--in fact I have 2 different kinds in my purse because of the season and this whole H1N1 mess.

The last time we were at Red Lobster, 3 different groups of people came up to us to compliment how "well mannered/behaved" Jaedyn was and of course how cute and silly he was. The last guy came up and started talking to Jaedyn about random things...as if he could really understand. Then as he was leaving, his took his hand and...I don't know how to describe it. He put his hand on his head and rubbed it back & forth real fast. Know what I'm talking about? Not only that but then he pinched his cheek. I just about lost it. Do.not.put.your.hands.in.my.child's.face!!!

This morning we went to IHOP for breakfast. Jaedyn kept leaning back in his high chair. While he was leaned back and looking at this old lady across from us upside down, she takes it upon herself to rub her finger across his eyebrow and down his nose. Wth?! I pulled Jaedyn up and scooted his chair closer to the table while saying "un uh". How would she feel if I walked up to her on the way out and ran my finger across her eyebrows then touched the side of her face or something? Totally unacceptable and plain creepy right?! Same thing applies to my child. Feel free to look, just don't freaking touch!!!

How do u feel about this? Are you one of the people guilty of doing something like that? If you're a parent, have you had it happen to you before? If so, how did you handle it? Did you try not to be rude (even though I know they mean no harm, but that is rude of them) and just not say anything or did you speak up about it? How do you handle something like that without coming off like an ass?

Goodbye unemployment! (Impatiently waiting update)

2009-10-18T22:15:00.007-04:00

WOW, so much has changed in such a small amount of time since I wrote my blog Impatiently Waiting

First, I am extremely excited to announce that I am no longer unemployed!!! It's so amazing how God works things out. It was a job I really wanted, but didn't think I'd even get called for. Then after complaining about waiting on a decision after the initial interview, for a second interview, it turns out I didn't have to do the second one at all! I went back a few days after my interview to meet with the supervisor. We talked for a bit, she liked me, and said once my background check came back, she'd let me know something the beginning of the following week. Last Tuesday I got the call! She offered me a full time position with benefits, thank you Jesus! I start tomorrow morning. I'm super excited but also quite nervous...

I haven't worked a full time job since February of 2008 before I was placed on bed rest! When Jaedyn was around 5 months, I started working part time at the domestic violence shelter, but that didn't last a whole two months before I slipped and broke my ankle. I haven't worked since December 2008, yikes! So much is about to change and I guess that's where the nervousness comes in. Since we moved, Jaedyn and I finally have a routine, but now it's about to change.

I know there are TONS of parents who work full time and then come home to be a full time parent as well, however it's not what we've been accustomed to the past 14 months. After a long day of work, I don't know if I'm going to have the energy to be as silly & playful with Jaedyn as I am now. I don't know how much shorter my patience will get after an already frustrating day. I don't know if I'm gonna have what it takes to make meals like I do and keep the apartment so spotless. Before, I could get our laundry, cleaning and shopping done during the day while he was gone, but now everything will have to wait until the weekend...while he's with and up under me. Who knows how frustrating that will be and how much time it will take away from whatever I have planned for us to do together.

Once I found out I got the position, I sent him to day care the rest of the week. I wanted to enjoy my last few days and try to see how things would be once our routine changed. I dropped him off at day care in the morning, tried to get a ton of stuff done all day long and keep busy, then picked him up around 6 or so. By the time we got home some days it was close to 6:30pm. I was tired from not napping and my back was killing me (see blog about insurance to know about my back issues). By the time I got some kind of meal prepared and we ate, we had enough time to watch one TV show together/play, then it was time to start our bed time routine. The time went by so fast! Part of me was happy about it since I was so tired and sore, and another part of me was sad because I realized how much time would be taken away from us :-/

I will remain optimistic though. This is a place I have wanted to work at since my sophomore year in college and while it's not the dream position, it's a start. It let's me get my feet wet and some experience within the company. I look at this as an opportunity to start my career, not just another job. There will be challenges in the beginning I know, but I'm already gearing myself for them :)

Secondly, I decided to try to stick it out at the apartment I'm in now. Of course as soon as I made that decision, the toilet overflowed and the garbage disposal stopped working, grrr! I didn't want to move over to the other complex in the unit they had available and it wasn't something I really wanted. I had the manager put me on the waiting list for the 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom I wanted so I will just have to wait until one opens up. If I have to move during the winter, then I just have to. If by chance, I can deal with this place 6 more months then so be it. I will just ride my lease out here and in May, be done with them period. I'm content with my decision, despite the few issues I've had, I really do have a nice place to stay. Plus, it will give me a chance to start work, see how my paychecks will be after all my deductions and whatnot, plus this new expense that I just got!

New expense?! Yes! Lastly, I got me a new car!!! See what I mean now about so much changing in such a short amount of time? It was totally unexpected too. Friday, on my way back from the theatre, I stopped in the Ford dealership. On my last statement, it had a note that since my lease was ending soon, I needed to contact my original dealer to bring the car in for a check up and had to turn it in there (Detroit). I simply went in to ask the man if that was true or not because I didn't want to get a car in Detroit. He assured me that wasn't the case and we began talking about me wanting to get out of current lease early since I was almost over my miles. He got some info from me, told me to come back the next guy when his lease guy was there and we'd see what he could do for me!

I went back the next day, kind of excited, but I didn't want to get my hopes up. As previously mentioned, I didn't want to lease again and since I was still getting things on my credit report cleared up, I knew things wouldn't look so good with a bank right now. I was going to wait a month or so. I had intentions of getting a new Escape. I really wanted to try something new and hadn't been in a truck for awhile. After hours of sitting there, he told me things weren't looking too good and I had to wait until Monday when the owner came back to see if there was something he could do to help me out. Before leaving, I casually mentioned to him that I liked the Focus Jaedyn and I had been sitting in to keep him entertained. We left, went to Walmart and as soon as I pulled up at home, he called me back. He said he told the guy to just try running things through for the Focus and I got an instant approval at 1.9% for 3 years!!!

Even though that was exciting, it wasn't really what I wanted. Yes, it was new with a ton of cool features and looked nice, but it was smaller than what I already had. I was trying to go bigger, or at least stay at the same size, not go smaller. He was nice enough to bring one by for me to look at. I got inside of it and fell in love, despite me struggling to get in and out of the back seat :-/ He said he would draw up all the paperwork for me, and by time I came back, all I had to do was drop the deposit, sign and drive! It was such a big moment for me when I went back in there to sign the papers. For one, it was hard to drop all the money for my down payment. My bank amount looks so grimey right now, LOL. Seriously though, I was proud of myself! I was able to go in there by myself and purchase my very own car. With Goldie (my Fusion), I went with my mother. She was on the car since she was able to get the A/Z plan discount and it was a lease. Although having that plan would have helped me save quite a bit, I did this on my own and the car is MINE! I can do whatever I want with it, don't have to be so conscious about the miles or anything. I was so nervous when I drove off in it. It has a ton of cool features: sun/moon roof, Microsoft sync, ambient lighting, satellite radio, media/usb hook ups, tons of stuff I'm too sleepy to name LOL. It's going to take awhile to get used to the size. The stroller BARELY fit in the trunk and the back seat area is so small. Wonder how our first road trip will be. I just might take one soon since I can use all the miles I want, yay!

Those are all the updates I can think of. I need to take my butt to bed. One thing I'm already dreading about this whole work thing is waking up early. We all know I'm not a morning person! Nothing should require you to wake up and be functional before 10am!!!

***Thank you Lord for the many blessings and opportunities you continuously bring our way and thank you dad for still taking care of us and providing for us still from heaven. We love you and miss you dearly. Continue to R.I.P***

Pics of my new baby:

The Ultimate Parental Gripe!

2009-10-14T00:09:00.000-04:00

I know that I have a lot of parental gripes, but as for right now, this one takes the cake. I can't begin to describe how disturbed and outraged I was as a parent when I saw this video. I still can't really talk about it without my blood boiling. There's not much for me to say though. The video speaks for it self. I couldn't watch the whole thing. And we wonder why there are so many teen pregnacies and kids are becoming sexually active at an even younger age these days. It's one thing for kids to do this own their own, something totally different when "parents" are encouraging and even allowing the behavior. Ugh, this disgusts me. Check it out and feel free to comment

Dream Big Huh? NOT!!!

2009-10-13T00:04:00.000-04:00

Am I the only one disturbed by the McDonald's commerical of the (black) kids dreaming about growing up and working there?! Not to knock the things McDonald's does...such as Ronald McDonald House, honoring Black History Month, etc. But to dream about growing up and being a server there?! Seriously, get the hell out of here. Here's my fast food experience from the other night...

I started to feel worse, hadn't really eaten all day and wanted something hot & easy to go down (get your minds out of the gutter). Some chicken noodle soup would be nice. I remember the McDonald's by our old house in Detroit served soup and it was right around the corner from us here, so I head there. I pull up at McDonald's...

Lady on Speaker: "Hi, welcome to McDonald's, may I take your order?"
Me: "Hi, yes. Do you sell soup?"
Lady on Speaker: "Yes"
Me: "Oh great, let me have 2 bowls of chicken noodle soup please."
Lady on Speaker: "Oh no, wait...I'm sorry. We don't sell soup."
Me: *staring at the speaker for a moment or two* "Alrighty then, nevermind, thanks"

So I go across the street to Wendy's. I think I remember them selling soup in Detroit too, so maybe they will here as well...

Lady on Speaker: "Hi, welcome to Wendy's, may I take your order?"
Me: "Yes, do you have any chicken noodle soup?"
Lady on Speaker: "We have Chili"
Me: "IS THAT CHICKEN NOODLE SOUP???"

I didn't wait for a reply, I just got out of the line as quickly as possible and drove down to the grocery store and got a couple cans of soup. *sigh* Need I say anymore?! Keep on dreaming kids!

Make It Last Forever

2009-10-12T00:10:00.000-04:00

I've been thinking about this whole moving thing...a lot lately. If I got the 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment that I wanted, I was thinking of the theme I wanted for the main bathroom. It would mainly be Jaedyn's bathroom since we wouldn't have people over often, so of course I was thinking of a kid theme. Since his room is Winnie the Pooh, I wanted to make the bathroom the same. I could not find a reasonably priced Winnie the Pooh Shower curtain though. One seller had the nerve to ask $50 bucks for the vinyl ones he had. There's no way I would pay that much for a shower curtain anywhere in my house! Of course the rest of the bathroom could be Pooh and I just have a child like shower curtain up, but I scratched that idea and tried to think of something more "big boy" like. Still haven't made a decision yet. Don't wanna get too ahead of myself in case things fall through.

Anyways, it made me start thinking about the set up/decoration of the rest of the apartment. I started to think about the things I had now, how I might try to change the location of certain things to reduce the amount of fussing I have to do when Jaedyn gets into things. Even though I hate when my mailbox gets flooded with sale papers, I always end up going through them. This week, Value City Furniture is having a Columbus Day Sale and they had a super cute leather couch and matching seat on sale. Even though I love the new microfiber material that's out now, remember I'm a neat freak with a kid. The first spill or stain on it and I know I'm blowing a gasket. With leather, it's a simple wipe down no matter what it is!

I considered getting it, even though there's nothing really wrong with the leather couch I have now...other than it being old. All of the furniture I have in the living room was my dad's that I took with me after he died. The couch is a black, leather, sofa sleeper at that, which would be nice for when ever we did have company, but it has to be close to 15 years old. Maybe around 12-13, old as hell nonetheless. The computer desk I have up there was his as well. That thing is DEFINITELY 15+ years old and it definitely shows it's age up close. There are scratches on it and pieces of the wood are coming loose, even after I've glued them several times. The entertainment set and television I would say are at least 10 years old. The bedroom set I have in my room, my mother got for me when I was in the 7th grade, making it 10 years old as well!

One of the many things I learned from my dad is how to take care of ish and make it last! Without me telling you, you wouldn't have known that just about all of the furniture I have is 10+ years old. There are stains on my nightstand and whatnot since after all, I was a 7th grader so what did I care about a coaster for my drinks, etc?! Besides the computer desk, which still serves it's purpose despite the dents and scratches, everything is still in good condition despite it's age. See pictures below...

After thinking about all of that, I kind of came to a crossroad. Yes, the couch is over 10 years old, but since there is nothing wrong with it, do I really need to replace it? Although the sofa sleeper hasn't been pulled out in years, I'm assuming it would still hold up, LOL. Even if I got rid of it, I do have an inflatable mattress as well as a mattress pad should we ever have overnight company. Just the fact that it was my dad's and he had it for so long would make it hard to get rid of as well. So it's like do I keep the couch and computer desk until the legs fall off, or do I take the opportunity to buy something new for our new home now while I have the funds?! I'm already gonna be coming out close to a thousand just for a washer and dryer. With new furniture and a desk, that would probably be about the same price. The computer desk isn't that big of an issue. Yes it's starting to fall apart, but it's not like I have tons of people sitting at it, and even if I did, most don't have a computer desk that big to call their own so phbbbt! Those scratches and dents are simply war wounds to show it's withheld the test of time and is a long-lasting product made by...someone LOL.

I'm not sure about whether or not I want to keep the coffee and matching end table with the lamp either. It's just as old as the couch. Adds decoration and matches, but I get sick of having to cleaning it constantly. Even though the living room is a decent size, it just takes up space. It's not used for anything besides Jaedyn's fingerprints and mess. There's nothing wrong with the entertainment center and TV so I don't plan on replacing that until the TV goes out ::knock on wood that it's no time soon:: I'm not concerned about my bedroom set either. It took awhile to get used to going from a queen to a full sized bed again, but it's just me so I don't need a bigger bed or different set anytime soon. I'll just take care of it better from here on out now that I'm older and more responsible :)

So what do u think? Would you "keep it until the wheels fall off" as they say, or would you take the opportunity to upgrade?

Someone please tell me...

2009-10-11T21:00:00.000-04:00

WHAT THE HECK AM I GOING TO GET THIS BOY FOR CHRISTMAS?!?!

What else does a spoiled child need?! Would I be wrong if I wrapped some of this stuff up for him to open? He'll only be 18 months, like he will know the difference, LOL

Excuse & ignore the liners, I ran out of room on my shelf

New case of wipes and diapers, regular & overnights!

TONS of toys, not including the ones up front

Knock off Hot Wheels Jeep

New Fall/Winter Clothes, Timerberland Boots, 2 pairs of house shoes, 2 new pairs of gymshoes and a car that I can push him around in.

Impatiently waiting...

2009-10-09T00:00:00.000-04:00

I'm frustrated y'all...

There is so much I am trying to pull off by the end of the year. I'm making the moves necessary to try to obtain and accomplish these things, however it's not all up to me and that's where the frustration comes in.

After not being having a job for MONTHS now, the possibility is there that not only might I be returning back to work soon, but for a company I've wanted to work for for years! But I have to WAIT to find out if I got it or not. I had the interview Wednesday. I get an answer tomorrow on whether or not I've gotten chosen, but only for a second interview, not the job. Come on now man, why we even gotta go through all that?! If I was good enough to pass the first interview, let's just move on to the hiring process already. I don't want to be grilled during another interview then have to WAIT again for the decision from that one. FRUSTRATING!

I want to move before the winter time--or first snow fall comes, which ever comes first in Ohio. My lease isn't up until May 2010 but since I have had issue after issue since we moved in, I want out of here ASAP. Not to mention when I decided to move in, I didn't think about having to lug two loads of laundry through the snow, and suiting up three different times, just to wash our clothes. Not trying to go through all that. I consulted with a lawyer to see based on the issues I've had if I could get out of my lease and she basically didn't tell me what I wanted to hear. So I thought about transferring to the other (better...and more expensive) property that's managed by the same people I'm at now. I toured a very nice 2 bedroom, 2 bathroom apartment and I wanted it! Come to find out the next day that someone was on the waiting list for that apartment already. You S.O.Bs!

So I talked with the manager about how upset I was about the whole situation and how I wanted out of here. She mentioned to me that someone wanted out of their lease because of employment issues and if I was confident I wanted to move in there, she would talk to the owner and see if he would let them out of their lease. Well the owner agreed to give them an out but now all of a sudden the people need to talk it over with their employer. WTH?! You wanted out of your lease, you got an easy out and someone who wants in there, but now you have to think it over or whatever?! UGH!!! So now, I have to WAIT for them to make a decision on what they are going to do. Who knows when they are going to make one and if they do decide to leave, who knows how long it will take them to pack up all their crap and get out. Then it's not like I'm just going to move right in. It needs to be cleaned, repaired, etc. I want to be out of here by the beginning of November but all that's not gonna be able to happen in less than a month. Grrr...FRUSTRATING!

Finally, my lease on my car will be up at the end of December. I have a 24,000 mile, 2 year lease and I'm already at like 23,7...something, meaning less than 300 miles before I go over. I think Ford charges what....20 cents per mile you are over?! Yeah...definitely trying to get out of my lease early to avoid that. However, the next car I get, I don't want to lease again. Since the house/condo thing is out, I want to be able to say I own something! Well, guess what? No bank is going to approve me to buy a car without a J-O-B. Now we're back at issue #1. I won't know what's going to happen with my car issue and when until I know if I got the job or not. So once again, something else I have to sit back and WAIT to do.

I can't begin to explain the big ball of emotions I have with all this going on. I wanna know if I got the job already so I can start to prepare myself for this new routine. I know parents do it everyday, but it's not what Jaedyn and I are accustomed to since he's been born, so who knows how it will affect us. I might not be as energetic and playful as I am with him now after a long day of work. I might not be up to cooking or cleaning as much as I do now...how will that affect the house of a neat freak?! LOL. I'm able to get things done during the day while he is gone, but once I'm working things will have to be put off until the weekend and he'll be with me. Talk about frustrating! I hate going into stores with him for longer than 5-10 minutes now since he can't manage to sit still in the shopping cart anymore. FRUSTRATING!

I want to know if we will be in our new home and settled in by Thanksgiving/Christmas. I need to start making arrangements to change my mailing address, have my drivers license changed, switch my cable and electric over, etc. I need to know whether I'm gonna need the money for my own washer and dryer, when I should start packing, especially if I have to do it in between working full time now, if I need to pay for a rental truck, how many movers I'm going to need and if they will be available, and so on. If the move doesn't work out then I would like to know as soon as possible so I could stop freaking out over money and spend those expenses towards something else you know?! UGH, FRUSTRATING!

The car deal isn't as big as the other two, but again I'd like to know. I could always end up keeping Goldie at the end of my lease and just adding a few extra things to her if it came down to it. I love my Fusion, but it's the second one I've had. I want something different and since I plan on having it for many years to come, I want more features. If I do end up keeping her and not needing to save a certain amount to put down on a new car, again I'd like to know as soon as possible so the money could go towards something else and I could stop freaking out every time I look at my bank account steadily decreasing. *sigh*

But all I can continue to do is sit back and play this ever so frustrating waiting game in hopes that things will all turn out in my favor. *another deep sigh*

If you have insurance, PLEASE be grateful

2009-10-08T00:00:00.001-04:00

While Jaedyn and I were at the mall one day, there was a lady from a chiropractor's office giving out free massages. There was no way I was going to pass up a free massage with the pain I was feeling in my back. I've been plagued by chronic back pain for years now. It all began back in 2002 when I was in a bad car accident. I was stopped at a light, there was an accident on the other side of the road. Apparently the guy behind me was being nosey and thought I made it through the light. He ramped right into the back of us (my mother was in the car with me) and knocked us into on coming traffic. I was in total shock, but I managed to hit the gas pedal as hard as I could to get out of the way in time. After that I don't remember much. I remember crying about pain, I guess a police officer asking if I needed EMS, then having some kind of brace put around my neck, being strapped to stretcher and transported to the hospital.

I did physical therapy for it a few months later during my senior year in high school (2003) and it helped a little. Over the years though, the pain just continued to get worse. My posture isn't the best for one. The problem wasn't necessarily "fixed" with the physical therapy and then getting pregnant, being on bed rest, and having a child I held & carried around all the time was the icing on the cake. A few months after Jaedyn was born, when I could barely lift my arms from the back & shoulder pain, I was sent back to physical therapy. That only lasted about a good month before I slipped and broke my ankle. Needless to say I had to stop that and once my cast came off, I started electroshock therapy for my ankle. I didn't get to finish that either since we ended up moving to Ohio before my treatment was over. Anyways, that was just a little background info.

After I got the free massage, the lady was telling me how a local chiropractor was having a special for a free consultation and free x-rays. Desperate for some kind of relief since the anti-inflammatories and Vicodin weren't giving me any relief, I made me an appointment. I went for my consultation the next day (Friday) and he said it would be a few days to get the x-ray results back. I was anxious the entire weekend. I prayed that the x-rays would show SOMETHING that would explain the pain I am constantly in. Didn't know what exactly, just some kind of explanation and then something that could be done to help it. I didn't want to continue to be dependent on these pills.

Monday finally came. After I dropped Jaedyn off at day care, I went back to the office. When they took me back, I got another massage on the house and when I say it was orgasmic...man! That chick worked away all of my tension and stress. When she was done, I went over to see the doctor. I saw some x-rays up and I remember looking at them like, "damn, who ever was here last is in bad shape!" Waiting for the doctor to take those x-ray's down and put my up, it turns out that those were in fact, x-rays of my spine! He brought me closer and began to go over the results. The first obvious one was that my spine literally has a curve in it. That would explain the pain I feel in my right shoulder blade region since the spine is constantly pinching that nerve. The other issue that wasn't so noticeable is that I have Stage I joint deterioration aka arthritis in my back.

I looked at him like, "you're kidding me...right?!" He definitely wasn't kidding though. He went on to explain how good it was we caught it before it progressed and talked about a plan of treatment. Usually for someone with my condition the recommendation is 20 visit for a re-alignment. Did I mention that it's $50 per visit and that the state denied me medicaid since they took my GROSS income (meaning before taxes are taken out) and said I made $117 over the limit?! Mind you the only source of income I have is unemployment and one check doesn't even cover all of my rent! But I will vent about that in another blog to come. There was no way I was shelling out $1000 dollars so he said the minimum I could do was 10 visits and we'd just go from there. Since I paid upfront, I got a discount which brought the price down the $400 dollars for 10 visits. I'm not even there a whole 5 minutes to have this thing put on my back to realign it! $400 bucks out of pocket, just like that. Talk about an unexpected expense. I can kiss that brand new TV I wanted to treat myself to goodbye!

I can't wait to get a job, just so that I can get health insurance. I would think just being a diabetic (single) mother would qualify me for medicaid. That's probably the one and only thing I miss about "the system" in Michigan. Sucks to pay out of pocket for every doctor's visit, every little test that goes along with it, as well as prescription costs. So if you have health insurance, please be grateful for it!

This isn't my x-ray, but it's one I found online that best shows how my spine looks. My curve is just a bit higher up. And to think, I'm only 24 years old :-/

Please accept my apology...

2009-10-07T21:03:00.002-04:00

I really had no intentions of taking a blogging break, especially one without letting the few dedicated readers I do have know about it. Infact, the week I decided to put Jaedyn back in day care, I planned on blogging more! I have a list of blog topics I want to write about and each day the list grows even longer. I just knew I would have the free time to relax, pop quite a few out, and put some on reserve.

Well, things did not go as planned AT ALL and the opposite happened. Even now, I don't really understand how he's been in day care, yet I've been feeling more tired and rundown than I had been when I had him up under me 24/7. I know a few causes that I will discuss as I make an attempt to catch up with the recent events of my life. I promise to make up for my absence with a ton of hot topics and great posts as soon as my motivation and energy picks back up!

Share Something Saturday

2009-09-26T22:33:00.006-04:00

Here are a few pics from Jaedyn's 15 month photo shoot today. Gosh my big boy is so handsome :) Of course I ended up spending/ordering more than I planned!

WHAT will it take?!

2009-09-25T00:19:00.000-04:00

I've got a problem, and the more I say I'm going to work on it, the more I seem to do the opposite! For MONTHS I had been waiting for a lump sum of money from my father's death that I truly thank God for since he didn't have a life insurance policy. During all this time I was waiting for it, I made out this "list" of things I was finally gonna do for myself and get once the money came. Well, after four months of waiting and my checking account literally getting down to around $27 dollars, the money finally came through. {Thank you Jesus!}

I automatically put a certain amount in my savings that isn't supposed to be touched...at least anytime soon, and the rest was supposed to be for paying off some past debt, making up for what my unemployment doesn't cover every month, giving some to help a few loved ones out, buying Jaedyn new stuff of course, and finally spoiling myself by getting the things on my "list". Well, things haven't gone quite as planned...

I'm very excited to say that I finally paid off my HUGE credit card debt, it was SUCH a relief! My limit was only $1,200 but with all the fees and interest they added on, it was up to a little over $6,000...insane isn't it?! All because of that damn free t-shirt I wanted my freshman year of college, SMH. Credit cards are the devil and I don't ever plan to get one ever again! Anyways, along with that, I've given like over a thousand to either people I owed or to help a loved one out with their bills, etc. I bought my mother a new cell phone and a few other things, I gave a couple hundred to my church for my tithes when we were there last weekend, and then there is Jaedyn...

This boy has gotten about $200 in fall/winter clothing, two pairs of new gym shoes, house shoes, a drum set, his ear pierced with a diamond earring, a Deigo blanket with his name stitched on it, new toys, and a ton of other random things. What have I gotten for me off of that long list I made? I got my hair braided, some perfume, some designer shoes and a matching purse, some knock off earrings, a new pair of jeans that are too big and I can't return, and new flip flops even though summer is over! WOW right?! {pure sarcasm}

Ever since we moved in here, I've been eyeing this dining room set at Walmart, now that I have the money do you think I've gotten it yet? NOPE! In my bedroom, I have a 19 inch TV I've had since my college days that I can barely see so I want to buy me at least a 30 inch TV. Have I gotten it yet? NOPE! I don't want to spend the money on those things, meanwhile I'm going around pricing a laptop to buy for my bestfriend that really needs a new one and trying to send money to someone close so they can finish paying for an auto part they need to get their car up and running. THAT ladies and gentleman is my problem!

I am constantly worried about other people and trying to do something to help make their situation better. This is something I have been wanting and waited a long time for, and now that it's here, I've spent more of the money on others than I have on myself! I even get cheap now when it comes to buying stuff I need for the house, yet will turn around and give someone money to help them out or something. The dining room set is important so I can stop bitching about my carpet and have us actually eat in the kitchen at the table, and although I don't necessarily need a new TV, it would be nice to watch a movie in bed without straining my poor lil eyes even more or having to stand in front of it just to read the guide! I just don't want to spend the money on myself and I don't know why. Hell, I don't have anyone else who is going to give me money or buy me things. If I don't take care of and spoil myself, who else will???

I don't know why it is such a problem for me. It's not like I don't deserve it, because I truly do. Maybe I feel like since I will be putting down such a huge deposit towards buying a new car that will be a big enough "gift" to myself? Even though I'm using up the money regardless, maybe it makes me feel better and like I'm handling it well if I use it towards helping others?! Maybe I will feel wrong if I buy myself a new $400 TV instead of paying off one of the many emergency room visits on my credit report my stupid insurance company at the time didn't cover? I honestly don't have the answer, but I know it needs to stop/change. Maybe once Jaedyn is back in day care I will feel better about going into a store and buying something for me without feeling rushed or like I'm obligated to get something for him even though he seriously does NOT need another thing {except for diapers of course, LOL} I just don't know what it will take for me to finally do and/or get something nice and simply spoil myself like I deserve and do others :-/

Do you or anyone else you know have this same problem? Constantly trying to do more and give to others even if it means you going without??? If so, what did you do to change? How do you make yourself make YOU be #1 and taken care of first?

I'm throwing in the towel!

2009-09-24T00:07:00.000-04:00

A few weeks after we moved to Ohio, I decided I was going to enroll Jaedyn in day care. Even though I wasn't working or going to school at the time, I still had too much going on. I was still in the middle of my depression, my dad had only been gone not even two months yet, I was exhausted mentally and physically from all the family drama after his death and just the whole process of packing up an entire house which I'd lived in the past ten years, and just moved to another state on my own was all much too much! Yes, I raised Jaedyn on my own when we were in Detroit, but occasionally, I could count on my mother to take him for a few hours so I could get a break, and my god mother was always ready & willing to take him off my hands when ever I needed. I lost that luxury when we moved down here.

It took me awhile to realize that at first too. "I raised him on my own when we were in Detroit and had him up under me all the time...what's so different now? Why am I losing it and just can't take it like I used to?!" Besides the fact that he was getting older, and into more stuff (basically, keeping me on my toes more), I didn't get the break I NEEDED once in awhile like I used to. I found myself even more drained at the end of the day, my patience was getting worse instead of better, I was more irritable and short with Jaedyn; basically I didn't like the mother I was being to him if that makes sense. He wasn't doing anything wrong, just simply being a kid exploring and trying to get used to his new home, but the littlest things would drive me insane.

Deciding to put him in day care was a huge step for me. Up until that point, the only two people I trusted to watch him were my mother and god mother. Now I had to trust not one, but several random people I didn't know to watch my baby??? I called so many places and it seems like it took forever before I finally made a decision. When we got there, I just got this...feeling. They were all so nice and welcoming. I loved the program too. It wasn't just a place I felt like they were going to be simply "babysitting" him the whole time, but they actually worked with them on certain skills based on their age level. They definitely won me over by offering a free trial day! It was hard to leave him at first, but I was so worn out that it quickly went away.

I think him going there 3 days a week was the best thing for the both of us. I got the MUCH needed break I had been ~~wanting~~ needing, and he got to interact with other children and socialize more than he would from our random outings at the mall or park. I think between the time we spend together working on things, and him being in day care is why he is so advanced like he is. He was the only kid in his class who walked before their first birthday and was solely on sippy cups! He is super smart, his vocabulary is amazing for his age, he's my own little baby Einstein! Anyways, as time went on, the center started to become more and more like our extended family. There were always some kind of family friendly events going on and I made sure we attended each and everyone (hoping for at least one single dad to be there, LOL).

It eventually drained my pockets though...literally, and I couldn't afford to send him there anymore. Day care costs is NO JOKE! To send him there just three days a week cost more than my rent did for the month. How in the world does it make sense for part time day care to cost more then rent for the month??? The day we went to pick up his belongings, I was so sad and he was super confused. He was used to me bringing him there and then leaving without him, but this time when I kept telling him it was time to go and he kept giving me the confused look. It made me feel even worse that he wanted to go play with his new buddies as well. They had just transitioned him to the Jr. Toddler room so he made new big boy friends. *sigh*

The first day care-less week wasn't as bad as I expected it to be. I just knew I was going to lose my mind! I loved being able to stay up late as I wanted on day care nights to do what I wanted, then take him to day care when ever he woke up and come home to get in bed and sleep as long as I wanted. Most of all, I loved the break. I love my son to death, but I've realized no matter how much you love your child(ren), you need a break at one point or another. It was nice to go to the grocery store without worrying that as soon as I turned my back, I had to worry about a kid breaking loose and standing up in the cart, getting ready to fall over. It was nice to be able to do laundry and clean the place up without him being all up under me, crying when I left the room, trying to follow me or help me out which only slowed the process down, etc. It was nice to just be able to drive in the car alone with the music up as loud as I wanted and to play something I wasn't worried about having to censor.

I said for financial purposes I was going to wait until the right job opportunity came along and then I would put him back in there since we both loved the place so much, but a month later, I can't take this ish anymore. When we went back to Detroit last weekend, the plan was for him to spend the majority of the time with my mother so that I could have the chance to actually go out to enjoy myself with my friends and simply have some alone time. Silly of me to think I could rely on my mother so things didn't go as planned at all. If it weren't for my god mother taking him for a few hours, I wouldn't have gotten any time away from him. I needed it so bad too. I need the opportunity to be gone away from him for awhile to allow myself to regroup and to miss him. I haven't had that in awhile now and I feel all of that tension and irritability from before building right back up.

Therefore, I'm throwing in the towel. I have a job interview Thursday and whether it goes well or not, he is going back to day care part time. For my sanity and so that I can continue to be the best mother and father to him, I need it. I truly need the break. I can't keep doing this every single day, ALL day long by myself. I'm getting too stressed, too burnt out, and I can't get things done like I want or need to. That stupid child support I get can go towards half the day care bill. I used to compare myself to other SAHM's, but I'm getting much better at that whole comparison thing. Every one and every situation is different. Besides, most SAHM's I've come across are married, meaning at least when their at wits end the hubby can step in. I don't have that luxury. So the verdict is in. I don't at all feel bad about my decision or incapable or anything like that. If anything, I'm glad that I'm able to recognize when I'm reaching my breaking point unlike most who usually end up on the 11 o'clock news!

What about YOU? If you're a parent, have you realized the importance of having time away from your child(ren) to allow yourself to miss them and get a much needed break? Or are you one of the FEW who feel as though you never need a break from your child(ren) and learned how to handle being with them 24/7/365? (If you're one of them, don't even bother to comment!)

Is this dude serious?!

2009-09-17T22:14:00.000-04:00

Friday when we got back from our visit to Detroit, the mailbox was full of stuff. Right on top though was a letter addressed to me with some sloppy handwriting on it. When I noticed who it was from, my heart started beating super fast for some reason. I hurried back in and ripped the letter open. It was from Jaedyn's sperm donor!

I couldn't even begin to imagine what the letter was about. Just a month ago when I sent out a mass email about voting for Jaedyn's first baby contest, I accidentally sent the link to him since he was still in my contacts. This dude emailed me back saying, "Please don't email me. I have not contacted you so I prefer you do the same."

My reply: "The message was sent to everyone from my address book that was imported, trust me babes, I wouldn't have intentionally contacted u and asked you to do anything for Jaedyn. We all know you're incapable of that. God Bless You!"

His 2nd reply: "You have what you wanted now support so obviously I am capable. Remove me from your address book then sweetie. Thanks"

My finally reply: "Trust me, I didn't want it or anything from you other than to be a father to your son, which you are INCAPABLE of! I just got a letter in the mail the other day stating that since I was no longer a Michigan resident that I could have them drop the case and discontinue the support, but based on how you are STILL acting, why should I do you any favors?! Maybe when you are ready to grow up and be an adult about something which can't be changed, we can talk. Consider yourself removed and take care sweetie!"

Jaeydn is almost 15 months old. Since his conception, his "father" hasn't ONCE asked how he was doing, if he needed anything, how he looked, etc. Zip, zilch, nada. When the state forced me to go after child support, he decided to be an ass and request a DNA test. We were scheduled for testing THREE times, do you think his sorry ass even bothered to show up once?! I was kind of hoping some way, some how that I'd have a Maury moment and he NOT be the father, but I guess we'll never know now. An order for support was entered by default as a result of his failure to appear. I started receiving payments in July and have hated each one I've gotten.

Yes, I am unemployed and one unemployment check doesn't even cover my rent for the month. Along with that, I have a leased 2008 Ford Fusion so a car note, car insurance, renters insurance, utilities, phone bill, food, gas, etc. These things don't include the little things I need for myself (household items, feminine products, prescriptions since I lost my health benefits etc.) or the many things required to take care of a child on my own. I know a lot of women in my situation would be grateful to actually be receiving child support, but the money is bittersweet. Since Jaedyn has been here, he hasn't wanted for ANYTHING and he never will as long as I have anything to do with it. My baby has everything he needs already, exceptt for a father. I don't want money from you for my son a man behind some desk had to force you to give up to do what you should be doing in the first place! I definitely don't want him to feel like he is doing something for Jaedyn just because money is being taken out of his check for him. Money can't buy love or isn't going to replace him not physically being there for Jaedyn.

I went and opened a savings account for Jaedyn to put the support payments in. I didn't want to use it for rent, bills or anything like that. When I was talking to a friend about not wanting it, she told me her friend's mom set up an account for her daughter and put the money in their when ever it came. When she was old enough, she had enough saved up to buy her a car and pay for her first year of college. That was my original idea, but then again...Monty will have helped Jaedyn get those things and that's where the bitterness comes from. Okay my son will be able to get a car when he is 16, but a guy he has never met or gave a shit about him paid for it?! Do you see where I'm coming from?!

Anyways, back to the letter...

He was explaining how his contract with his current employer was about to end and how he may be facing unemployment. He didn't know how much Cobra would cost and if it was too much to afford, he'd be asking FOC to take his medical coverage for Jaedyn off of the child support order (which is only like 10 bucks a month and actually the State of Ohio provides medical coverage for Jaedyn anyways). There was a big paragraph about that whole issue but it was last two that really got me...

"I am also requesting for us to settle our child support payment out of court. I understand over the past monies may not have been received in a timely manner from the State of Michigan. You need to understand that I have no control over that. Each pay period my employer has taken over half of my pay for child support (he pays support for his other son as well) up front. I want to remind you that this has never been in my control as to when you receive payment. If you would like to work out an arrangement directly with me I am willing to set up a bank account etc. or send checks directly to you. Please respond back via letter to the address below.

My account with you does have arrearage that is hard for me to make up with the current FOC payments I have with you. When our case started I was put in the arrear from day one. I don't know how to pay that with the current payments and salary I have been taking home each pay without resorting to illegal activity. My lifestyle is not glamorous nor am I the type of person who spends money frivolously."

THIS DUDE HAS GOT TO BE SHITTING ME!!!!!

Just a month ago, I wasn't supposed to contact him and he was still being an arrogant asshole, but now that things have gotten rough and may be getting worse for him, I'm supposed to be willing to put everything aside and work with him?! He is still just as selfish and arrogant as he was from day one. The letter was all about HIM. Never mind that I lost my good paying job from being on bed rest, never mind that once I did finally get a new job I broke my ankle, lost it and still had to care for an infant on my own, never mind that I just lost my father 5 months ago and went through a deep depression, never mind that I went from being 75% dependent to 100% independent overnight with a limited income and son to raise with no support. Never mind any of what I've been through since I've gotten pregnant. Every attempt I tried to make with this dude since then he has shot down. Said I trapped him, was going to be an unstable parent, I was crazy, and told me over and over again not to contact him.

Now all of a sudden he wants to act like an adult about things because he is being affected. This man is 32 years old and Jaedyn is his third child, however he has contact with the other two-- which I don't understand how you can chose who you will be a father to. It used to make me angry and I still get bitter about it at times, but I realize that it's truly his lost. We have a beautiful child who amazes me each and everyday by the things he is already doing and saying, but he is the one missing out. Even though I have been going back and forth about the issue and didn't want the support, I definitely don't want to stop it now. Why should I do him any favors? Someone with a soul and mindset like his doesn't deserve it. I know it's not very Christianly of me, but f@#% him. He hasn't tried to contact me or given a damn about us, so why should I care about him and his situation?! More so, why should I make his situation any easier when it won't change mine???

I still can't believe the nerve of him. My first instinct was to write back in huge bold letters saying, "Please don't contact me. I have not contacted you so I prefer you do the same!" Bet that would be a real big blow to that ass, but I don't want to stoop down to his level. I will reply eventually, but I'm definitely in no rush about it. I could care less about his situation. Maybe in the mean time I can take the money I do get (did I mention he doesn't even meet HALF of his monthly support obligations?) and donate it to a local charity. That way he will be truly giving his money to a stranger, after all, that's what Jaedyn is to him. They just happen to share similar DNA. I don't know. I just know that I don't want the money and I definitely don't want to cooperate with him and do him any favors by having them lift the order. He has already proved he isn't a real man or one of his word so I'm supposed to trust that once we settle out of court he would hold to his word and send the money willingly like he is supposed to?! HA...this has got to be a late April Fools joke!

I CAN'T STAND DEADBEAT DADS!!!

Looking at the glass half FULL

2009-09-13T01:55:00.001-04:00

I was reading my twin's blog one day (by the way, if you haven't checked out www.theyoungmommylife.com, what's wrong with you??? LOL) and she mentioned being a stay at home mother (SAHM). I never really gave my situation any thought until she brought up several points throughout her blog.

I guess the first thing was just giving myself that title. "Wow, I am a SAHM aren't I?!" I guess I never realized it or looked at it like that since I am constantly on the move and always doing stuff. Did I ever think I'd be a SAHM? No way! Even when I was still living with my father, I still had a few bills of my own to pay and a child to raise. When I lost my job from being on bed rest so long, I was devastated. It paid well and I had great benefits. I didn't know what I was going to do. I couldn't jump back into work right after Jaedyn was born, but I couldn't get behind on my car payments and risk a repossession. I filed for unemployment, but of course it took awhile for that to get started. Each check was about $500+ less than what I was making, yet it was enough to get by on.

I loved the fact that I didn't have to worry about rushing back to work. I definitely loved the fact that I didn't have to get up every day, go to work, then want to come home and rest, but have a baby to take care of. The greatest benefit of all is that I got to stay at home with my baby all the time, meaning I didn't miss a thing! I didn't have to hear from someone else what milestone my baby hit, I was there to witness each one for myself. Eventually, my unemployment was running out and for some reason I didn't think I'd get the extension, so I dove back into looking for a job.

I made the mistake of accepting a job I didn't really want just because it was the first one offered to me. It was only part time, all the way out in Mt. Clemens and I could only stand maybe 3 out of all the people I had to work with. I was extremely unhappy there. Waking up at 5am to get me and Jaedyn ready, dropping him off on the eastside to his sitters, then making the long commute to work. I'd get there a few minutes early most days because I had to "hype" myself up just to go inside. I'd be so happy when my shift was finally over, but I dreaded the long commute back home. We'd get home about 5ish, I'd make dinner, play with Jaedyn, and most nights he wouldn't go to sleep until 12-1 in the morning, and I'd be back up at 5am to do it all over again. It just wasn't worth it. The long commute, extra miles on my car, irregular hours, and I was unhappy. I eventually parted ways with that job soon after I broke my ankle.

It was a difficult time in my life. My dad had been in the hospital for awhile now, and I was literally trapped in my own house to take care of Jaedyn on my own unless someone came over to carry him out for me. How could I get out of the house with him when I'm on crutches?! After a few months and a bunch of hassle, I was able to get back on unemployment and I've been on it since. Although one unemployment check doesn't even cover my rent, I'm grateful for it. When I look back on how everything played out, starting with me getting pregnant and going on bed rest until now, it makes it more apparent now than ever that God truly has a plan. Would I rather be in a career position right now and not be regretting going to college? Of course! I hate constantly having to sacrifice things or worrying about how the next bill is going to get paid. However, the time I've gotten to spend with Jaedyn and watch him grow tops all of that.

Yes, it wears me out and gets frustrating at times, but I'm blessed to have had this opportunity. There are tons of mothers--and some fathers too, who wish they could stay home with their children and not miss any of the big moments in their lives. I've been able to watch what changes about him daily. Everyday there is something new to experience. Yes, he is in day care PT right now, but it's the best thing for the both us. We get the break from one another we need, I get to get things taken care of, he gets to be exposed to other children and people, and it will make the adjustment a little easier for when I do return to work. I've gotten quite a few interview offers since we’ve moved here, but I’ve only accepted a few. Either they were too far, only part-time, didn’t offer any benefits and/or the hours were horrible. Not something I going to fall into again and let it be more of a hassle just to say I have a job. I don't want another job. I'm ready to start my career. Unfortauntely, it looks like I may have to travel at least 20+ miles for a decent place of employment, but I'm only willing to do so if it will be worth it. Not if the majority of the money is gonna have to go in the gas tank and towards all those miles I'm going over you know?!

So even though I am unemployed and struggling to get by, the point is, I'm getting by! I've been through so much this year, I probably would have lost a job if I had one...depression is no joke! Even though I get worn out and frustrated with having Jaedyn up under me all day, every day, I'm blessed I have been able to be there for him every step of the way thus far. I couldn't imagine being sick, still having to get up and go to work everyday, then come home to a baby who is sick as well. I'd seriously lose what's left of my mind. Things haven't gone the way I wanted or even planned, but they are going according to God's plan and I'm so glad his plan over-rode mine, since He knew what was best me/us. I'm confident He wouldn't have gave us the opportunity to get out of Michigan and brought us this far if He wasn't going to continue to see things through and make a way for us! Thank you Lord for having the ultimate plan and seeing it through. I will continue to be patient and trust in You!

This was written a few months ago so be looking for Part 2 soon :)

Share Something Saturday

2009-09-12T23:56:00.000-04:00

Tuesday before we left for our visit to Detroit, we stopped by Jaedyn's day care to pick up his things. I hadn't sent him in like two weeks and with the schedule I had at the time, the day care didn't accommodate those hours, therefore I decided to pull him out. I thought it would be just a quick in & out type thing...wasn't at all expecting so many emotions!

Everyone was so happy to see him back. He was quite popular amongst all of the teachers, and even some of the other kids there due to his personality. As I went to the Jr. Toddler's room he was just switched to, I started getting sad as I was gathering up his things. You see, before we moved here, I had only let TWO people watch him, so they were the first I trusted to leave my snookems with. He kept wanting to run off an play, but I had to keep telling him that we only came to say "goodbye".

I gathered up everything and as I was walking out the classroom, I saw a folder with his name on it. Usually, there is just the menu in there for the week, but this time I also saw something bright. I pulled it out and almost seriously lost it! My baby had painted a rainbow! I don't even remember them telling me he painted anything. A huge rush of emotions came over me. I was so proud of my baby and became even more sad about pulling him out. He did & learned so much there and I know he will miss his friends and teachers. They asked us to drop by when we could so they could see how Jaedyn was doing and let me know that if anything changes, they would love to have him back. I pray the right job opportunity comes along so that I am able to put him back there. They were like our extended family, and again, the only people I felt comfortable enough to leave my baby with besides his grandmothers!

Getting emotional again....*sigh*. Here's the picture he painted that is proudly displayed on my fridge!

Thinking Out Loud

2009-09-11T22:11:00.000-04:00

So I'm sitting at the doctor's office, waiting to make sure I don't have a reaction to this Gardasil shot. She gave me a pen and some info to fill out. Now I don't know about you, but I think doctor offices have some of the best pens. I like nice pens. Anyways, as I was filling out the information I thought to myself, "I like the way this writes. She won't remember she gave it to me, so I'll just swipe it on the sly tip!"

That's when I turned the pen all the way around to thoroughly check it out and saw "Valtrex" on the side of it!!! Yeah, definitely don't wanna be pulling that out at the grocery store or somewhere to sign for a purchase. This is one pen I won't be swiping to say the least, lmao!

**For all the slow people, Valtrex is given to patients with Herpes**

Ten Guidelines from God

2009-09-08T01:29:00.000-04:00

Effective immediately: Please be aware that there are changes YOU need to make in YOUR life. These changes need to be completed in order that I may fulfill My promises to you to grant you peace, joy and happiness in this life. I apologize for any inconvenience, but after all that I am doing, this seems very little to ask of you. Please, follow these 10 guidelines....

1. QUIT WORRYING:
Life has dealt you a blow and all you do is sit and worry. Have you forgotten that I am here to take all your burdens and carry them for you? Or do you just enjoy fretting over every little thing that comes your way?

2. PUT IT ON THE LIST:
Something needs done or taken care of? Put it on the list. No, not YOUR list. Put it on MY to-do-list. Let ME be the one to take care of the problem. I can't help you until you turn it over to Me and although My to-do-list is long, I am after all... God. I can take care of anything you put into My hands. In fact, if the truth were ever really known, I take care of a lot of things for you that you never even realize.

3. TRUST ME:
Once you've given your burdens to Me, quit trying to take them back. Trust in Me. Have the faith that I will take care of all your needs, your problems and your trials. Problems with the kids? Put them on My list. Problem with finances? Put it on My list. Problems with your emotional roller coaster? For My sake, put it on My list. I want to help you. All you have to do is ask.

4 LEAVE IT ALONE:
Don't wake up one morning and say, "Well, I'm feeling much stronger now, I think I can handle it from here." Why do you think you are feeling stronger now? It's simple, You gave Me your burdens and I'm taking care of them. I also renew your strength and cover you in my peace. Don't you know that if I give you these problems back, you will be right back where you started? Leave them with Me and forget about them. Just let Me do my job.

5. TALK TO ME:
I want you to forget a lot of things. Forget what was making you crazy. Forget the worry and the fretting because you know I'm in control. But there's one thing I pray you never forget. Please, don't forget to talk to Me - OFTEN! I love YOU! I want to hear your voice. I want you to include Me in on the things going on in your life. I want to hear you talk about your friends and family. Prayer is simply you having a conversation with Me. I want to be your dearest friend.

6. HAVE FAITH:
I see a lot of things from up here that you can't see from where you are. Have faith in Me that I know what I'm doing. Trust Me; you wouldn't want the view from My eyes. I will continue to care for you, watch over you, and meet your needs. You only have to trust Me. Although I have a much bigger task than you, it seems as if you have so much trouble just doing your simple part. How hard can trust be?

7. SHARE:
You were taught to share when you were only two years old. When did you forget? That rule still applies. Share with those who are less fortunate than you. Share your joy with those who need encouragement. Share your laughter with those who haven't heard any in such a long time. Share your tears with those who have forgotten how to cry. Share your faith with those who have none.

8. BE PATIENT:
I managed to fix it so in just one lifetime you could have so many diverse experiences. You grow from a child to an adult, have children, change jobs many times, learn many trades, travel to so many places, meet thousands of people, and experience so much. How can you be so impatient then when it takes Me a little longer than you expect to handle something on My to-do-list? Trust in My timing, for My timing is perfect. Just because I created the entire universe in only six days, everyone thinks I should always rush, rush, rush.

9 BE KIND:
Be kind to others, for I love them just as much as I love you. They may not dress
like you, or talk like you, or live the same way you do, but I still love you all. Please try to get along, for My sake. I created each of you different in some way. It would be too boring if you were all identical. Please, know I love each of your differences.

10. LOVE YOURSELF:
As much as I love you, how can you not love yourself? You were created by me for one reason only -- to be loved, and to love in return. I am a God of Love. Love Me. Love your neighbors. But also love yourself. It makes My heart ache when I see you so angry with yourself when things go wrong. You are very precious to me. Don't ever forget that.

I seriously need to print this out and have it posted around the house! As all of these are important, which one(s) do you struggle with/need to work on the most? Or simply, which one had the biggest impact on you?

Staying away from home

2009-09-08T00:26:00.000-04:00

I remember when I was younger, I used to LOVE when we would stay at a hotel/motel. Heck any place was better than being stuck in the boring house I'm used to seeing all the time and had nice amenities! We traveled a lot when I was younger to Florida. I can remember going to Disney World, Bush Gardens, Universal Studios, some of everywhere. I liked everything about staying somewhere new. What cool features the room had, the big beds, nice bathrooms, even what kind of cool key they had for the rooms (lame I know, LOL). I just loved them.

Now that I'm a mom? Eh, not so much. I remember when Jaedyn was 3 months old we were coming to Kent to visit some of my old college friends. I wanted a decent room but was on a budget so I couldn't afford anything like $79.99 per night or anything like that since we were staying the whole weekend, I had to pay for gas, as well as food and whatnot for the entire weekend. I can't remember the place I had originally picked, but something told me to get back online the morning before we left to check it out again. I was so thankful that I did. Someone had just written a review about recently staying there with her husband and small child and they all had went to urgent care after they left because they had been torn up by BED BUGS!!! I was horrified. So last minute I was scrambling to find us a decent place that wasn't far from campus and not too expensive.

I found a good rate at Econo Lodge in Streetsboro and even though the rooms were nice, and they gave me a discount, had breakfast in the morning and everything, I was paranoid the entire time. I probably would have went to jail for trying to seriously hurt someone if my 3 month old baby got bitten by bed bugs. When we were laying in bed, every time I felt an itch or something on my legs, I'd freak out thinking something was biting me. Luckily we survived that weekend, LOL. That was also the first time Jaedyn slept through the entire night...couldn't have been any more happier about that!

Then just a couple of months ago for Jaedyn's birthday, we went back to Detroit for his party. The original plan was to stay at my mother's house the whole weekend, but that didn't go as planned for two reasons. One, it was the end of June (aka hot as hell) and she doesn't have an air conditioner. I seriously don't see how people survive the summer without an air conditioner, like seriously man...whew! The second issue was...let's just say she isn't the most cleanliest person I know and is a HUGE pack rat...not a good combination for someone who is a neat freak with a splash of OCD. The first night, Jaedyn and I were absolutely miserable. We both kept waking up all throughout the night from being so hot and uncomfortable. There was no way we could spend the rest of the weekend there. So again, I was faced with the same problem as before. I had to find us a room at the last minute that seemed nice but wasn't an arm and a leg since I was already spending enough on travel, his party, etc.

I decided on Red Roof Inn that was right down the street from where his party was going to be. Before we even went to check in, as I'm getting him out of his car seat, I saw he managed to get more poop on his car seat and clothes than in his diaper somehow. The back seat was crowded with all of our stuff so I had to take him inside and clean him up in the lobby. Once I checked us in, I had to try to clean out his car seat the best I could with some wipes and travel Febreeze so I could put him back in it to drive down to our room. Get in the room and all over our stuff out of the car, only to get in the "smoke free room" to find that the air conditioner barely works and the room has an awful smoke smell to it. So I had to load everything back up in the car, put him back in his wet car seat and go to get another room. The air in the 2nd room worked fine, but it still had the funky smell. I used just about the entire bottle of Febreeze trying to spray down the room.

We both had to get washed up and changed before the party. The bath tub creeped me out, I almost wanted to say eff it and go to the party sweaty! The drawers had some kind of sticky candy and other stuff inside of them, so besides a couple things that could be hung up, everything else stayed in the bags up on the counter or desk. I didn't want to touch the remote without dropping a glob of hand sanitizer on it first, every time Jaedyn would fall down and use his hands to push himself up off the floor, I had to clean his hands off, and let's not get to how paranoid I was about laying on the pillows and getting in the bed period. Needless to say our trip was cut very short!

It's funny how much things changed once I became a mom. Before I wasn't worried about germs on the remote control or walking around without any socks/shoes on. I didn't think about how clean--or unclean the bath tub was before. I definitely wasn't worried about laying up under the covers or putting my face on the pillows...of course the sheets were clean and fresh right?! You just never know. Every time we go visit, we're gonna have to get a room since I refuse to stay at my mothers, so it's something I always worry about. I wish I had one of those blue lights so I could pull back the covers and check for any stains or creepy crawlers. I'm not as worried about myself as I am about my son. Most places these days have cribs that you can ask for in the room, but I don't trust those either. I don't bother bringing the pack n' play since Jaedyn never slept in it before, I just let him curl up under me like we used to.

I guess I just watch too many movies or hidden camera type shows about housekeepers not really cleaning the rooms or just simply doing foul things in/to the rooms. Even if we stayed at a more upscale place like the Holiday Inn or something, those thoughts will always be in the back of my mind. Just because a room costs more per night, doesn't mean it won't have a crappy housekeeper who just does the bare minimum to the room to get a paycheck you know?!

What about you, have you ever stayed in a hotel/motel room with a young child before? Do you get creeped out and are extra cautious or do you just give the places you stay at the benefit of the doubt?

Parental Gripe #8: If you're a dumb ass, please do not reproduce!!!

2009-09-07T03:13:00.004-04:00

During one of my late night tossing & turning sessions, I decided to just get up for awhile browse the internet. I can't remember what site I was on and whatnot but I stumbled across a site with blogs. I was reading someone's blog about them doing their child's homework for them. You know what that parent did?

She wrote a black history report for her child on LIL WAYNE!!! W.T.F?! I wanted to chew her ass OUT. What the hell does Lil Wayne have to do with black history?! I don't care how many albums he has sold or what projects he came from, he is NOT significant in the REAL world people!!! I know it's a real shocker for most.

Sorry, there is nothing you can say to me about him to make me think otherwise. I'm not just saying that because I'm not a fan of his either....seriously....I was just speechless, I still am! Not only that, but WHY are you doing your child's work for them?! It only shows dumb assness (yeah I said it) and ignorance on your part that's obviously going to carry on.

Another thing that irks me with the whole black history report time: Martin Luther King Jr. and Rosa Parks aren't the only significant people in black history!!! Branch out, help your child(ren) discover more. I was pissed I never heard of Emmitt Till until my senior year in high school. That story gave me nightmares and it still disturbs me to see pictures of his face once they found him. Yes it is great and a HUGE historical event that Barack is the president, but please let that not be the only black person your child does a report about!

Another case of dumb assness: I remember a couple months ago, I took my mom and Jaedyn to Red Lobster. While sitting there waiting, a lady and her son came in. If you've ever been to Red Lobster, you know they have a tank of LOBSTERS out front. This chick walks her son over to the tank of LOBSTERS and says, "Oooh, look at all the crabs!" She said it not once, but twice. My mother and I just looked at one another and shook our heads. It's bad enough you don't know the difference between a lobster & a crab, but your passing your dumb assness onto your child. YOUR CHILDREN ARE A PRODUCT OF YOU!!!

Remember MEAP tests or even the SAT or ACT? People who are of child bearing age should have to take and pass a test similar to that before they are able to reproduce. These are probably the parents who curse around their children, let them do/watch whatever they want, and bring any & everyone in and out of their children's lives too! UGH!!! The world has enough ignorance, stop spreading and/or adding to it!!!!

Updates!

2009-09-06T23:44:00.004-04:00

I feel so negectful! I haven't blogged in about a week now and I feel so awful about it. I missed it and the few loyal readers that I have so much. I just got so caught in the demands of grad school and the stress of waiting to do everything last minute that at the end of the night, writing was the LAST thing I could bring my body to do. So updates, updates, updates...

*My mother is still down visiting. It's officially been one week today and amazingly I haven't sent her packing yet; although she has definitely reached the "getting on my nerves, it's time for another long break from you" point. Surprisingly, I have enjoyed her being down here for the most part. It feels good being able to have her in my own home and for her to be around her grandson and see how much he has grown. Even though I haven't gotten any kind of credit, praise or encouragement for anything, that's a different story!

*Jaedyn is...I don't even know the words. This kid is amazing. By looking at him, you wouldn't expect him to run around and get into as much as he does because he is so short and small. I call him my lil short round. He is so little and has these cute chubby, bow legs. Then on the other hand, I have to remind myself most of the time that he is only 14 months old. He is SO smart and his vocabulary is amazing! It's kind of scary how fast he is picking up on things and how gifted he is. I swear everyday he gains brain mass as I lose more and more, LOL.

*After a week of driving myself crazy and stressing out to the max, I finally made a decision about grad school. I can't remember a time when I went back and forth about something so much and let it drive me that crazy. One day I was going to give up on it for now, the next day I was going to stick with it, the next day I wanted to give up on it again, the next day I was going to stick with it. That's seriously how it was Monday-Thursday. I prayed on it HARD, sought out advice from those who knew me best and everything, yet I still couldn't make a decision.

It was nothing how I expected. I knew grad school would be more in-depth, harder, require more work, and so on, but mannnn...I definitely wasn't ready for all of that. My biggest issue is that I didn't plan things out or look more into it before I took the plunge. I was up late one night going through all of the programs, saw one I thought I might be interested in, applied, and was accepted 4 days before the start of the semester! I didn't even have my correct classes scheduled until the day they started! I didn't have books--or even the money to buy them, I didn't have any kind of day care arrangements set up (which is why my mom came down in the first place), and I just felt so out of it! I know only two years have gone by since I've been in a classroom, but it just felt so weird. Plus it didn't help that I only liked 1 out of 4 classes. Again, that's my fault though. I just selected a program based on the general description of it and didn't really look into the program course outline. I had no idea what kind of classes I would have to take or what they entailed.

After an entire week of going back and forth, I had a conversation with two of my best friends who said the exact words I needed to hear to make my decision. I also follow RevRun on Twitter. Friday morning when I woke up, he had these three tweets that I guess served as the clear guidance I was looking for from God on the situation. They said: #1. If there's confusion around u...It's not God like...(God is not the author of confusion) 1 Corinthians 14: 30-33 #2. AN M.D, B.A, or Ph.D doesn't always guarantee a, J O B (Pray often!) #3. Happiness will never come to those who can't figure out how to appreciate what they already have...(what u appreciate EXPANDS).

WOW...I swear all three of those messages were for me. #1, I was confused as hell about what to do. #2, The only reason I decided to go back to school was in hopes it would guarantee me a job when ever I did finally finish and get the degree, but in this economy, it doesn't matter what you have up on the wall. #3, Just wow, LOL. I already have a Bachelors of Science which a lot of people are still working towards. Even though I don't have a job like I want, we have just about everything we need. I have more bills than money, but somehow, every month everything gets paid on time. I may not be happy that I don't have everything I want right now, but I do need to be happy and more thankful about the things I do have, because even though I'm stressed and things are hard, we are better off and have more than others right now. So I thank the Lord that he keeps blessing us and making a way!

Friday I went to campus and withdrew from all of my classes. I decided that the timing just wasn't right. I rushed into it way too fast, I didn't have my day care situation together and didn't know how long it would take, and I simply wasn't into it the way I thought I would be. There was no point in trying to attempt grad school if I wasn't going to give it my all..especially since I couldn't get anything lower than a B. One day on campus I saw a flier for Advocacy Training at the same place I did my Crisis Line Training at. I'm all about trying to advocate the needs for others, so I decided I would register for that. Since it's "training" me a job skill, I could still get day care assistance and since it doesn't start until the end of the month, it would give me more time to find him a home care provider for Jaedyn. I really hate to leave the day care he has been with, but they don't accommodate the hours required :(

If a job comes up in the mean time, wonderful. If not, then I'm not going to worry about it like I did before. I know that we will get by and be just fine until it's in God's plan for the right opportunity to come along. It took me awhile to finally come to terms and accept all of this, but I have which is the important part.

*For all of my Detroit readers, we will FINALLY be coming to the city for a visit this week so make sure you hit me up so we can figure out when to get together. I always plan to stay quite a few days, but our trips have always gotten cut short, so we shall see how this visit goes and how long it lasts!

*I think that's about it. I have one more possible update of some really, super amazing news, but I don't want to get my hopes up about it again so I will hold off on it until it officially comes.

I really thank everyone who encouraged me and offered support/advice during that difficult situation. It really meant a lot that everyone was so positive about the decision and even gave me praises for it, but then again, that's why I love you all so much :)

Share Something Saturday

2009-09-05T23:34:00.003-04:00

Sad to admit that a 14 month old caused this injury, but I'm just thankful that he didn't knock out any of my front teeth! Needless to say I got f*cked up and won't be wrestling with him anymore. I know he's a boy but geez, I thought we'd make it until at least 3 or 4 years old! Smh...

Welcome to Grad School!

2009-08-31T23:21:00.008-04:00

I guess it's good I was impatient and checked the website to find out I was admitted into my Masters of Education Program at KSU seeing as how classes started today and my official acceptance letter didn't arrive until this afternoon!

Anyways, today kicked off my first official day into the College of Education, Health, and Human Services Masters Degree Program in Health Education and Promotion. Boy that was a mouthful!. Today was hectic for me to say the least. I didn't apply to grad school and have all of my requirements in until August 24th. It then had to be sent to the board, evaluated by them on whether or not I'd be accepted into the program, then sent back to the department. Thank God they made their decision quickly! I found out on the 27th that I was accepted, however classes started the 31st!!! I didn't know which classes to register for and my advisor wasn't able to meet with me until today; the day classes began. I tried to jump ship and get everything on board myself, only to find out that all of the classes I registered for, I didn't need. Wonderful!

I met with my advisor early this morning and he was basically no help at all. For one, I am the most non bi-lingual person I know; he is Korean, and he just didn't "advise" me like I thought a graduate advisor should. With a Masters of Education in Health Education and Promotion, there are two options to choose from: School Health Education and Community Health Education. Initially, I thought I wanted to go for School Health Education, but it required more credit hours, additional things for licensure, etc. Community Health Education gave me more options in case I didn't just want to work in a school setting so that's what I decided to change my concentration to. Since the college is new and doing a lot of merging and all this other mess (aka, they don't fully have their ish together), they didn't have an updated course outline of what I needed or anything. He told me some of the basic initial required courses to register for, then started working on something else before I was even out of his office. How rude! I'm definitely going to request another advisor. I need one I can understand the little information I am given, then someone to really advise my graduate career so I'm not there the next six years trying to finish a two year degree, and to help me figure out what it is that I really want to do with this degree!

After I met with him, I got back home, registered for the courses he suggested and tried to get my schedule to have some kind of structure to it, which didn't work very well. In the beginning, I said that I would use this semester to go to school full time so that I could knock out as many credit hours as possible and just use my unemployment and other resources to get by on. Then for Spring, I would try to have a job lined up by the beginning of the year and only take 1-2 classes a semester.

Well, on the way to meet with my advisor, I got called about an interview and thought of changing things. I was hoping that if I could get a 8-4 or 9-5 job, I would still be able to take some 6-9 or 7-10 classes at night. Even though it would take a lot of time away from Jaedyn, we could do something in between classes and have our weekends. Again, it's best to be away the most when he is young and won't remember me being gone much right?! :-/ Well, no class that I could take would allow for a schedule like that. Three of my classes start at 4:25, so unless I find a job that is from 7-3, that wouldn't work. Plus, just after this one class tonight, I realized that would be impossible. This ONE class requires so much and I'm currently registered for FOUR. I think I may drop one--if not all of them though. I mean I knew grad school would be harder and entail a lot more than undergrad but geeez! There is no way I'd be able to work, go to school full time, and do all the homework/projects required of me, along with being a single mother. Jaedyn doesn't even let me focus long enough to blog, so I can't imagine working all day long, going to school, spending time with him, then feeling up to any research and whatnot once he is finally in bed. Sleep deprivation at that point would be an understatement!

After my first class today--which by the way, if I haven't mentioned it by now, I'm totally not feeling, I started re-thinking this whole grad school thing altogether. I guess I'm back at that whole school vs. work thing again. I asked myself on the way home from class. "why are you really in grad school?" Sure, I really love health/sex education and would love to teach it, so it's not like I picked something random, but I don't know EXACTLY what I want to do with it or where I want to go with it. I take back. I do know, I just don't know if it will get me what I want which is to simply land a job in my field and have the pay be there as well. I LOVE working in the human services field, but everyone knows human services = hard work, long hours, and very little pay. I have a son to provide for on my own, I have goals I'd like to accomplish, and just certain things I want for us in general. I can't get those things with one low paying income you know?

I honestly don't even know if what I want to do with this degree will make me more than I would be getting with my Bachelors. Of course someone with a Masters will get slightly more than someone with a Bachelors, but in the long run will it be worth it? One thing I'm sure of is that I will end up with more debt by the time I get my degree that I will probably never get out of. Having that Bachelors degree hanging up on my wall sure isn't doing anything to help my $30,000 of debt I have in undergrad loans, and all I'm doing is racking up even more,but why? Just to have bragging rights to say, "yeah, I'm a single mom doing my thing in grad school" or so that I will eventually be able to put M.Ed behind my name? Again, the subject is something I care about and would love to be able to promote and talk about in the community...I just don't know if it's worth it.

Two years is long enough to have to wait for the degree and a career change, but with me only going part time after this semester, it's going to take longer than that before I even get it. More time, more ~~money~~ debt. Even though it's only been two years since I've been out of school, it felt so weird being in the classroom setting again. I'll have to buy books, find time to study, do all kinds of research papers and projects that are going to be 10x more difficult now, etc. If Jaedyn weren't in the picture, I wouldn't worry about all this as much, but since I have to factor him into the equation and he plays a huge part in it, it makes this even harder. I know a lot of single mothers work and go to school--not grad school though, but still they make it work. However, they have the support there to help make things easier that I don't as well.

I've never been known for being a quitter--and I'm not saying that after one day and one class that that's what I'm going to do. I'm just saying I'm having second thoughts. I thought this was something I really wanted in the beginning and was so proud & excited, but I'm thinking it may have been for the wrong reasons. I thought I gave it a lot of thought and consideration. It seemed like a good idea to focus just on school for one semester since I would be able to support us without a job for at least that long, but now...I don't know. I don't want to invest more time and money into another degree that's not going to do me any good, or be just as (non) useful as my first degree and only end up owing the stupid government even more money once I finally reach the end. Do you get any of what I'm trying to say? My mind is all over the place right now and I really don't know what to think--or do. I just want to cry. I want to go to school, but I want to start my career as well. Both are possible, but to me, Jaedyn would suffer from me taking on too much at once on my own.

Soooooo, that's where my head is right now. Maybe I wouldn't be feeling this way if that lady hadn't called me this morning about the open position--in my field at that! Maybe it was a sign or some kind of test? I don't know. I just know I'm frustrated and confused as hell. I simply just want whatever best for my son and I. Whatever is gonna help us get ahead in life so that I can provide the very best one for him. He is the only reason I'm going through all of this, he is why I give, do, try, push harder, and pursue anything I think will give us a better quality of life, as well as make him proud of mommy and hopefully instill the same drive and ambition inside of him!

Now that all of that is out, tell me guys, what do you think? Try to put yourself in my shoes for a minute to look at things from my perspective and evaluate things based on my current situation. ANY advice and/or encouragement is MUCH appreciated!

Share Something Saturday

2009-08-29T22:39:00.002-04:00

I guess I didn't really know the true extent of what I'd be getting myself into when I proclaimed how much I wanted a boy. He's at the stage now where simply...a boy is being a boy...and making mommy's nerves even worse! *sigh* I love my snookems anyways though!!!

Mom on a Mission: Mission Impossible???

2009-08-27T21:53:00.003-04:00

Today was a very rough day for me. It's amazing how much of your life can be changed in a matter of minutes, or hours in my case.

I don't think I ever addressed the concept behind being a mom on a mission. Really? Just to be able to survive day after day as a single mother with little to no support while raising my son to become a REAL man--something this world seriously seems to be lacking now a days. Of course there is more to it. I simply want to set myself aside from every other black, single mother who is from Detroit. I know I'm a statistic, but I want to be more than that. I want to be one of the few who was able to beat the many odds stacked against them.

Every since we moved, my outlook on things have changed drastically. I wanted more for myself and I wanted even more for my son. It didn't bother me that much before that I was only renting an apartment, leasing my car, only had been working jobs, and had bad credit. I don't want to seem ungrateful, because most can't say they have a car to lease or are able to rent an apartment, I just wanted to strive for more. I was focused on repairing my credit. I no longer wanted a "job". The next position I accepted, I wanted it to be a career position. I'm almost 25, I'm past ready to start my career! I also wanted to some ownership. My car lease is going to be up in December and I decided I wanted to buy instead of doing another lease--even though the majority of dealers are getting out of leasing anyways. Then I thought I wanted to own my own house, but for the wrong reasons, so I set my sights on a condo. I also planned on having my Masters degree by the time I was 25. Well, life happened and that got put off so I changed the goal to at least starting it by the time I turned 25. I was on a mission to accomplish all these things by December 26, 2009!

I've lost count of the number of resumes I've sent out since I started my job search here, so I was really excited that I not only got an interview with a great company, but the pay was good and so were the benefits. It was a really great position in my field, I'd be the Program Coordinator of a group home, have my own staff and everything. A big panty wearing position as I called it, LOL. I just knew it would be perfect and it came at the right time. No matter what I have in the bank, I wouldn't be able to get a condo or a new car without a job. When I found out the outrageous and simply horrible hours the job required, I immediately wanted to say eff it, but in the back of my mind was the house & car so I said if offered, I would make it work no matter what. Because of the crazy hours the position would require, I knew grad school wouldn't work into that equation so I said I would just put it off. School would always be there right?

One night I was tossing and turning and the school thing was on my mind the entire time so I decided that in the morning I was going to apply. Sure enough it was super late to be applying, but I was informed I still had time if I really wanted to, so I did. After a few minor road blocks, in less than a weeks time, I found out I was accepted yesterday {not that I had a doubt about them accepting me ;-P}. I'm excited, but it's overwhelming at the same time. The semester starts Monday, the advisor I'm assigned to hasn't returned my calls, I have yet to register for one class, and I found out that no kind of aid or assistance is offered if you pursue a degree beyond a Bachelors (which by the way, I think is complete BS!). The last thing I wanted to do was take out another student loan since I will already be paying off my undergrad ones for the rest of my life! I'll never truly get out of debt at this rate!

I was worried about whether or not I'd be able to attend and give grad school the hard work & dedication it required, along with being in a demanding position, as well as be a full time single mother. So much time would be taken away from Jaedyn, which some look at it as now being a good time since he wouldn't remember mommy being away so much, but it still was a big deal to me. He's 14 months old and has only spent two nights away from me since he's been born! I remember how it felt having my mother always gone and since everyday I strive to parent the exact opposite of her, being away a lot at any stage of his life bothers me.

Well, today I called the guy about the position. He told me that even though he, along with another manager and the regional manager really liked me, whatever person is above the regional manager picked another candidate. However, there were still two other openings for the same position, just with different managers and he couldn't hire me to work for them. They would have to and it could be weeks before that whole process happened. I needed to know whether I would enroll as part time or full time. I didn't want to go through that whole process and tell the board/committee I'm dedicated to the program, spend money on multiple classes, then have to drop most or all of them because they eventually offered me a position. If the hours weren't bad, I'd definitely hold out for the job, but it would have made my day care situation a living hell. My typical schedule would be 1-9pm, however if one of my clients had some kind of appointment, I would have to take them. Meaning that day I could work like 9 to 5, but I'd still have to find someone to cover those 4 remaining hours and if I couldn't, I'd have to work it. That's a 12 hour day, no time with my son, and since it was a salaried position, I wouldn't get over time. Did I mention I haven't found one day care in the area open past 6:30pm or open on the weekends? I'd also have to work one weekend out of the month. I don't have the support down here for a schedule like that. If one of my staff members called off at midnight and I couldn't find someone to come in for them, guess who would have to fill the shift??? The Program Coordinator aka me.

So today I gave up a lot--well moreso, put a lot of dreams and accomplishments on hold, and decided to let the position go, even though he told me they would consider me next for the other openings. I will enroll in my Masters full time, if only for one semester to get as much of a head start on the degree as I can. I plan to get a career position eventually so I know that I may be only able to take 1, possibly 2 classes at a time per semester then. I want to be done with my Masters before Jaedyn's first day of school! So, I think this is best. If I got the condo by December, I'd still have to pay the rest of my lease where I am here now, and that would probably cost more than what I'd put down for the condo, so it'd be a waste of money. As far as the car, hopefully something will come by December before my lease is up so I can still at least get that.

I know everything isn't always going to go according to plan, but I'm confident God will continue to work things out for us. I'd rather things go according to His plan and work out best, than for things to go the way I planned and turn out to be a mistake and/or make things worse for us in the long run. All will happen in due time if it's really meant to be. It's not like we stay in a crappy place or anything now. Despite a few issues, I just simply wanted an upgrade. If worse comes to worse, I could always end up buying out my lease when it's up, even though Goldie is not the car I'd want to be stuck with for years to come.

So that's that. I admit I'm kind of frustrated and disappointed in a way, also super overwhelmed with everything I have to take care of before Monday, but excited at the same time. Change is never easy. I don't think most things are even worth it if they don't cause you to give a little/come out of your comfort zone/make you struggle a bit/etc. Just wish me luck with things, pray things go well, and that eventually (definitely sooner than later) the right position does come along. I simply want the best for my son and I. He is why I do everything and keep getting up and pushing even harder each and everyday! This was a tough decision and I pray it was the right one. No mission is impossible for me. I just have to learn the detours to get around certain road blocks presented in my life. It may take me a little longer to get to my destination (reach my gaols) than planned, but as long as I get there eventually, that's all that matters right?! :)

Yesterday was bittersweet!

2009-08-27T21:45:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was definitely the most surprising one I've had in awhile. I also can't remember a day when I was more angry than I had ever been in my life, but also extremely proud and excited in the same day! Let's get to the good stuff first...

Awhile after writing my post about being at a fork in the road with my life, I decided to wing it and apply for grad school. I really had no reason not to. Even though things were going well with my interviews, the job hadn't officially been offered to me yet. Plus, I didn't want to live with the regret you know?! Whether I got in or not and whether I decided that I would actually attend or not if offered the job, at least I could say I made the effort and tried. Before my application was even considered complete, I got discouraged. I got a letter in the mail saying that since I was unemployed, if I went back to school I could qualify for a Federal Pell Grant. That's the only reason I considered going back to school in the first place, because I knew the money wasn't there before. There was no way I was taking out another student loan. Well, once I did my FAFSA, I got my results back immediately that basically said since I had already obtained my Bachelors, I didn't qualify for the grant. So just screw the people who have a Bachelors and can't get a job and want to go back to further their education huh?

That was discouraging, but I knew the university offered it's own grants and scholarships so I was hoping they would offer me something if I got accepted. I was supposed to get a letter in the mail, but the impatientness (yea I said it, LOL) inside of me, had me go to the website to check the status of my application and registration status. Without going into a bunch of complicated details, I found out I was accepted!!! I'm excited and nervous at the same time seeing as how it's Thursday and the school year kicks off MONDAY!!! {Yes, just a mere four days from now.} I have yet to meet with an advisor, register for one class, get any school supplies--wow, I can't believe I will be buying school supplies again, LOL. Even though I've been accepted, I still don't know if I will be able to attend yet. My official acceptance hasn't been received by the financial aid office, which means no information is available on if they are able to offer me anything for the semester. Uhhh, I kind of need to know ASAP here guys. No need in getting all excited about getting accepted and attending classes if I can't afford them! All I can do is pray that everything will work out. If it's meant to be then the money will be there and the Lord will work out my day care situation as well :)

That was the sweet part, now onto the bitter part...

I hadn't heard from my aunt in almost two months about my fathers truck she took the day after he died. I surprised when I saw her number appear on my caller ID today. I couldn't imagine what she had to say. We initially agreed that she would sell the truck and the proceeds be split between me, her, and my sister so I was expecting at least $3-4,000 dollars from it. Well, today she tells me she finally sold the truck and she has decided to split the money between everyone in the family and she has a check for $1000 for me. Excuse me language but, BULLSHIT! Everyone in the family didn't visit my father for the 3 straight months he was in the hospital. Everyone in the family wouldn't come by the house to visit him or take him anywhere. Everyone in the family didn't have to get up on countless occasions to call EMS at 3 and 4 o'clock in the morning after they had just gotten their infant to sleep an hour or two before. Everyone in the family didn't just lose their father.

I already had intentions of suing her in court because I was under the impression that she had been sold it and was keeping the money for herself. I made it clear to her that her "decision to be fair" was unacceptable and that I would contest it in court and I couldn't have been any more serious. I'm down here raising my son on my own. They have never done a thing for me or my father, yet they are all supposed to benefit from his death? I don't think so. My blood was boiling when I got off of the phone and I have to admit I wrote her a very non-Christianly like email afterwards telling her off and explictly stating my intentions. It's a shame that while I'm still mourning the loss of my father, all they are worried about is benefiting from his death, even though they sat back and did nothing for him. Sure, I didn't do as much as I could have, but I was limited as to how much I could do with a broken ankle and infant to care for. When I was trapped in the house, none of them called to see if I need any formula for my son, or groceries for myself. I couldn't leave the house with Jaedyn since I was on crutches and there was no way I could walk and carry him at the same time. Did any of them care though? Nope! So I could continue to care less about them. Family or no family.

I've learned through this situation that family will try to bring you down faster than your own worst enemy if you let them. All over greed. The very same day my father died, this woman came into his room where his dead body was still laying and took the keys and title of his truck with the intentions of keeping it for herself and not saying anything to me about it. The very next day, she came to take the truck...if I weren't home at the time, I would have thought it was stolen or something. How dirty and deceitful is that?! It's a lot of unnecessary bull I don't want to have to deal with, but I'm not just letting it go either. I don't feel this is what my dad would want. I know he wouldn't want us feuding against one another either, but again...I'm out here on my own and I'm on a mission. I will not suffer because they are all grown 35-60 and don't have their lives together. Shoot me down for being the ambitious, goal oriented one in the family. Sorry, I'm 24 with only one child I had after I got my college degree and for being out on my own unlike any of them can say. I was the first on my mothers side of the family to graduate from college and the second on my fathers. I will be the only to attend grad school ::crossing fingers I can go this semester. LOL::

Ugh, my blood is boiling again and I'm getting a tension headache. I just wish that part of my life would be done and over with, back in Detroit where I left it so that I can continue to move forward with my life--our lives. All I can do is pray, try to stay positive and continue to the best I can for my son and I. Screw everything and everyone else--except for you guys, you know I love you guys :)

(The last pic I have of us)

Are you prepared?

2009-08-26T23:59:00.000-04:00

I remember the day my dad died, after the initial shock and his body was finally taken from him room, the “family members” who had came over and I were going through all of his papers and mail to find a life insurance policy and/or will. It was ridiculous the amount of unopened mail my father had and papers he had lying around. When I was cleaning and packing up the house, I found stuff from back in like 1988! It kind of amazes me that I’m so organized and a neat freak since both my parents are/were pack rats. One day my mother was cleaning up her pigsty of a room and found the receipt for the crib she purchased for me back in 1984. It was 2008 at the time, WHY on earth do you still have a receipt that’s as old as I am?

Anyways, after going through everything, we couldn’t find a will or life insurance policy anywhere. The only policy I found had lapsed years ago. If there was a current one, it would have been lapsed as well since my aunt and I were paying my father’s bills before he died and neither one of us wrote a check for any life insurance. Since he was retired from the City of Detroit Police Department, they provided a death benefit…however, it wasn’t even enough to cover his cremation and funeral arrangements, let alone leave anything left over for my sister and I to get by on. He owned his truck, which my aunt claimed he wanted to her to have for all she did for him before he died. Nothing in me, or anyone else who knew how my father was, could believe he would want her to have a truck valued at $14,000 and leave me and his grandson, whom was his absolute pride & joy with nothing. Oh yeah, my sister and her daughter too, but I’m not too fond of my sister right now either.

While I was scrambling through the house trying to find his will or a policy, she took the keys and title to his truck with the intentions of taking it for herself. The very next day after he died, she came to get the truck. If I wasn’t there during that process, I would have thought it was stolen, which technically it was. Before letting her take it, we agreed we were going to split the proceeds from it. Even though she had no legal rights to it, she did do a lot for my father before he died, so I didn’t think it was fair for her to walk away from the situation with nothing. Well, that was back in April, it’s now August and I have yet to hear anything from my aunt, despite me trying to contact her about it. It’s a shame so much greed and pettiness came out after the death of my father. It’s so not the way I envisioned things being. I don’t want to have to deal with the whole court drama, but that’s the only choice I am left with. I will not be screwed over and his truck won’t be taken in vain by someone who was probably just waiting for him to die so she could get her hands on it.

Even though I don’t plan to have any more children and Jaedyn won’t have to worry about splitting anything with anyone, yesterday I decided I wanted to make set up a will or living trust and eventually, once my job/financial situation gets back on track, I want to set up a policy for him. I’ve gotten a lot of pamphlets about the Gerber Grow Up Life Plan, maybe I should actually take the time to look into that. Although I would hope by the time Jaedyn is my age, he is on his own, life happens. Certainly, I didn’t plan on getting pregnant, being a single parent, breaking my ankle, losing my job and still having to live with and be dependent on my father at 24. However, because I was, it made things so hard for me once he died. I couldn’t afford rent at the place we were currently staying at, I was only getting unemployment, so I now had to find a place for my son and I to live with limited finances. I went from being 75% dependent to 100% independent overnight and it’s been a big and super hard transition since there was no policy or anything left behind to help me out.

The main reason I decided to start working out was to get healthier, not necessarily thinner. My father’s first main health issue was his diabetes. Just like me, he started off with Type II and just like me, he continued to eat what he wanted, not watch his weight or take his medicine like he should have. He eventually became insulin dependent. In 2004 that led to kidney failure. I was going to donate one of my kidney’s to him, but just months later, I was diagnosed with diabetes and they wouldn’t let me in case I would one day need both kidneys. He started dialysis, yet continued to do what he wanted. To make a long story short, when he died, he had: his toe amputated, then his foot, then they took his leg to right below his knee. On the right side, they took a foot, then up some more, then eventually lined up both legs. He had prosthetics but was too weak to learn how to walk in them. The last amputation they did was of his right ring finger and if he had lived any longer, they would have eventually taken the whole hand as it had gotten so bad. Along with the diabetes and kidney failure, he had congestive heart failure, high blood, pressure, asthma and something else I can’t remember right now. Despite all that, smoked up to the last day he died, smh!

I don’t want to end with any of that though. I don’t want to put my body through that, and I definitely don’t want to put Jaedyn through any of that. Not only was it hard to see my father like that, I resented him a lot for being that way and in a way for making me give up part of my life to take care of him. One of my biggest fears is being down here alone and something happening to me one day. If something happens while I’m out and Jaedyn is at day care, there are emergency contacts listed, but what if one morning I don’t wake up? The neighbors are probably used to hearing Jaedyn cry for an extended amount of time, so they wouldn’t think nothing of it. The past couple of weekends, my car hasn’t moved so that would trigger anything. Most of the time I’m usually in one of my moods where I don’t answer the phone when my mother calls, so why would she think something was up if I didn’t answer one day?! Just the thought of my baby being in his crib, crying, scared and hungry while I’m passed out or whatever bothers the crap out of me. What if I die in my sleep and no one comes for days?

I know you’re probably like, “whoa, pump your brakes… aren’t you being a little drastic here?!” But seriously, as much as it bothers me, you have to think about these things. If I died, who would get custody of my son? His sperm donor who hasn’t once asked how he was doing since he was conceived? My mother who I strive everyday NOT to be like and have to be raised under her crazy Jehovah’s Witness beliefs? Definitely not the kind of life I’d want my son to live if something were to happen to me. What if I needed to be placed on life support? My dad had to be placed on a respirator and all that before he died. He said he wanted anything that was possible to be done in order for him to stay alive. I’m the exact opposite. If God says it’s time to go, then let me go. I don’t want any machines keeping me alive. I’m still not sure whether or not I want to be buried or cremated, but that’s something I need to think about and decide on in order to include that in there as well.

I've found a few sites to help me learn the differences between a will, living will, and a living trust, since I'm absolutely clueless about the whole process. I definitely plan to get started on this ASAP. I’m not doing it for me, I’m doing it for my son’s sake. He is all that matters and when I’m gone, I want to make sure he won’t have to deal with any of the mess I’m currently going through. I want him to know that mama not only took care of him in life, but also in death. Man, I’m getting so emotional just thinking about it, but that’s life right?! Always gotta be prepared for the unknown and the unexpected. If you are a parent, I urge you to make one for your child(ren). Dealing with the death of a parent is hard enough, not having to worry about major decisions and what the future holds would be a huge weight lifted off your their shoulders. Trust me, I can say so from experience!

Do you have any kind of will or trust? Have you ever considered writing one but maybe couldn’t bring yourself to do it? Do your parents have one and it’s somewhere you’ll be able to get access in case something happens to them? I know my mother doesn’t have one, but after this experience with my father, as hard as it will be, we need to sit down and talk about her plans and wishes. Have you had to sit down and do something like that with your parent(s)? Lemme know!

I feel like I missed out...

2009-08-24T23:28:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I feel like I missed out on a lot of things most women get to experience while they are pregnant. I guess that is one of the main reasons I've had this baby fever lately even though I have seriously sworn off having anymore kids. Even though I went through what most would call hell during my pregnancy with Jaedyn, I miss it a lot :-/ There were so many things I didn't get to experience while I was pregnant, however even if I went against everything I said, and got pregnant again, I'd still miss out on most of them.

When I first found out I was pregnant with Jaedyn, I knew things weren't going to be easier--or normal rather. I knew that I would be high risk and I knew that I wouldn't have the support from his sperm donor after he literally walked out on me when I told him I couldn't go through with an abortion. I just didn't expect to have to endure so much or miss out on a lot of things. My first trimester was half way over when I found out I was pregnant. I was so worried about making it to the second so my chances of miscarrying would go down that I didn't enjoy it. During the second trimester is when things got crazy. At 14 weeks is when it was discovered my cervix was incompetent and that I would have to have weekly trans-vaginal ultrasounds. That was a pain in the you-know-what and I don't mean my butt!

Shortly after my 18th week when I found out the Lord had blessed me with the boy I always wanted is when things really started to go downhill. I had to have a painful amniocentesis and waiting for the results was like...I can't even explain. If they came back abnormal I would had to face getting a medically induced abortion. While I was waiting for the results, I had to have the clerclage (stitch) placed around my cervix. When the spinal I got for that wore off, I think I cried and hollered more than I did during labor! That's when I was placed on bed rest. At first I kind of liked the idea. Having to do nothing but stay in bed, and even though short term disability was no where near what I was making with my regular pay and over time hours, at least I had enough to pay my bills and put the things I would need for my baby in lay-a-way.

The enjoyment went out the window after the first week and a half and I became hard headed. I still had to get the trans-vaginal ultrasounds, so it's not like I could hide that fact either. My cervix got so short, they placed me on bed rest in the hospital to make sure my ass stayed in bed! The first time wasn't so bad. It was for about 6 days. The food sucked. They had my calories restricted to like 1800 a day--if that and I was on a special diabetic diet. The second time was pure hell. I was in there for over 30 days! Can you imagine being the hospital for 30 straight days??? That's the reason I ended up losing more weight than I gained during my pregnancy. How dare they deny a pregnant woman certain foods?! A craving isn't something you can control! It wasn't just the food though...

Every day that I was in there it was like the walls were getting closer and closer...like they were about to cave in on me. The only time I could leave my room is when I had a visitor who could push me around the hospital or sneak me into the cafeteria/gift shop for junk I wasn't supposed to have. I don't know what I would have done without Jaedyn's god mother coming out her way to bring me "real food" or my other friend who came a couple times a week to visit with me for a few hours. You know it's sad that sometimes, while I was on the Labor and Delivery floor (3rd floor), my dad would sometimes be on the 2nd floor. When his relatives came to visit him or even to pick him up at discharge time, they wouldn't even wheel him up so that we could visit with one another? He didn't see much of me when I was pregnant, but that's a whole nother post!

Luckily one of the doctors in my practice was also placed on bed rest during her pregnancy so she made some special accommodations for me. I had a big private room in the very back (away from all the noise and commotion) to myself. The room had a DVD/VCR player in it. That's when I discovered and fell in love with Netflix. I was able to wear my own clothes, and I had my own note outside my room warning not to enter before 8:30am. Can you believe those damn nurses would try to come in my room at like 6:30-7 o'clock in the morning to do vitals and shit?! OF COURSE my blood pressure is going to be higher when you do it then because I'm pissed you woke me up that early! The hospital bed wasn't all that comfortable, and you could only lay in one position for so long without becoming sore, so sometimes I'd be up half the night just trying to get comfortable. I had to have my blood sugar checked before I ate and 2 hours after I ate, every day. That's getting poked 6x a day people. On top of that, I had to get heparin injections twice a day. I still have the bruises on my legs as a reminder of how painful those were. I had to get a weekly injection of progesterone that was thick and burned lik hell to keep my uterus relaxed and from contracting. Not to mention the insulin injections I had to get. Oh yeah, I'm leaving out the PAINFUL steroids I had to get when I went into labor around 32 weeks and the constant steroids I had to get to help lengthen my cervix. You know how they gave me those steroids??? Up my ass!!!

There were some nice things ironically enough that I do miss about my total 50 day stay in the hospital. Some of those nurses were absolutely amazing and I will never forget them for how well they took care of me and dealt with me on my bitchy days. A few went out of their way to try to accommodate me, and sneak me late night snacks lol. Even though it was annoying at the time, I can appreciate how special and lucky I was to be able to hear my baby's heart beat 3x a day. I had to have non-stress test every time I got my vitals taken. If anything, that should have showed me right then and there how stubborn and feisty Jaedyn was going to be. He would either "run" from the nurses when they would try to get the monitor/doppler/I don't remember the name of it, thing on my belly to find his heart beat. Then once they found it and strapped it to me, he would kick at it constantly. So you'd hear a thump, thump, thump, thump, BOOOOOM! LOL

I could go on with tons of stories from my hospital stay. It had it's ups & downs. Even though I was resentful at times for them keeping me longer than they said they would, or putting me on hospital bed rest period, I knew it was best for Jaedyn--especially since I was so hard headed and wouldn't keep my butt in bed at home like I should have. However, it made me miss out on a lot. I said when I made it to my 32 week mark (since Jaedyn had such a high survival rate if he came then), I would have a little party at the hospital sort of as a celebration and kind of like a baby shower, but it didn't happen. I didn't get to have a regular baby shower like most women. When Jaedyn was 10 weeks, I got him Christened and afterwards we had a little party for him. It wasn't the same though since I had to plan it myself and he was already here. I didn't get to go to the Lamaze classes like most women get to go to. It wouldn't have been the same since I wouldn't have a male partner like most, but my mom was supposed to be my partner. Maybe that would have help our relationship since it became even more strained during my pregnancy. Do you know she would have my car and wouldn't even come visit me when she went out?! Again, that's another post. I ended up taking a bed rest child birthing class which was basically a bunch of books to read and a couple DVDs to watch which didn't prepare me at all for labor--especially back labor!

I didn't get to pick out furniture or decorate his nursery. He had a fancy bassinet and letters of his name I painted up on my bedroom wall since we would be sharing my room. Yeah I got to decorate once we moved into our own place and he finally had a crib and "normal baby room" but at that point he was almost a year old!

I didn't get to go out much or even wear regular clothes that often to show off the baby bump I was so proud to have. I couldn't wait for my belly to find turn hard and get round instead of just sitting there looking like blubber! I miss my big belly so much. Yes, it was uncomfortable and I lost count of how many times in a day I had to pee, but I loved it. The first time I saw him moving around through my belly was so creepy! I felt like I was Ripley from Aliens and the alien was trying to come through or something, LOL. However, I loved to watch him move, I loved to constantly rub on it since all I could do was lay there, I loved how it felt when he had the hiccups; which he got quite often. I can remember the day after I had him, I went to take a shower. When I was washing my upper body and rubbed over my stomach, I felt so empty inside. I seriously wanted to cry. Yes, I was glad he was finally here, but he had been apart of me for so long that it was just weird.

Besides my mom and my dad, I didn't get to experience anyone rubbing on my belly or talking to Jaedyn. Not until I was around 8, almost 9 months when I guy I had great history with (and I have a Love Jones for) came back into my life. I didn't think he'd want anything to do with me since I was the size of a whale and pregnant by someone else, but it was just the opposite. He will never know how much it meant to me how he would hardly ever keep his hands off my belly, would kiss it or talk to Jaedyn when we were together. While I was in labor, he couldn't be there so he supported me over the phone until it was time to push. He got there about 15 minutes after I pushed Jaedyn out. It's really something to see another man hold a baby that isn't his, like his very own. So I will always be grateful for him coming into my life when he did to let me experience for a month, what most pregnant women get to their entire pregnancy.

I'm going to wrap this up now because I know your eyes are getting sore, LOL. I just wish I was able to enjoy my pregnancy more than I did. It was hard to just enjoy the little moments and simple things when all you constantly think about is getting through the day and making it to the next so your baby's survival rate would increase in case he decided to come early. He came a little more than 3 weeks early, but it could have been worse than that. All I kept thinking about was the next day, then the next, then the next. Even once he came, just being a single parent, I would sometimes just want to rush and get through the day so the next one will come. Everyday is usually such a struggle so I didn't take the time to really enjoy the stages he was at when he ws younger. The time has gone by way too fast. I felt like I was just going through all this and just pushed him out. Now he is 13 months old, walking around, talking, becoming more and more independent each day and it saddens me. That's where the thoughts of having another come on real strong, but bests believe I will continue to fight the urge! Thank you Implanon :)

Do you have an outlet?

2009-08-23T00:31:00.000-04:00

Between my post-partum depression, and then a full blown one once my father died, I lost over 30 pounds within a matter of months. Before I gave birth I was 225, last weigh in I was 184 {no, I'm not one of those women afraid to admit their weight}. It took some getting used to. My face looked so different every time I would look in the mirror. I looked...weird to myself, LOL, however I liked it. I've been overweight for as long as I can remember so had accepted the fact that I'd always be big. Once I lost the weight, not only did I look better, but I felt better. I had more energy and the last blood work I had done had improved drastically. With Type II Diabetes, if I lost so much weight, I would be able to control it just with exercise and diet, no more pills--even though I don't take them like I should now anyways, but still.

I kept saying for the longest I was going to start going to the gym. I signed up for not one, but two free trials at TWO different places and still didn't go. One place was like literally down the street from me and I passed 3x a week when I'd take Jaedyn to day care and pick him up. I could have easily dropped in to start the free trial one day after I dropped him off, but I didn't. Part of my main issue--besides being a HUGE procrastinator--is that I didn't really have the motivation to do it alone. I kept waiting for a friend of mine to go with me, but that never happened.

One day Lee, I think he was the assistant manager at one of the places I had the trial at, emailed me about coming in. The trial expired at the end of the month so I made an appointment to meet with him. Guess what? I ended up re-scheduling the appointment with him, not once, but I think twice! The end of the month was approaching so I finally made myself go meet with him. I only went in to redeem my two week trial and ended up being talked into getting a membership and joining the club. I'm such a sucker for a salesman, but that's a future blog. After I joined, he took me on a tour of the club, made up a plan to work out for 30 mins 3x a week and that was that. Oh, he also set me up for two free sessions with a personal trainer. What have I gotten myself into???

I figured I could go to the gym the days Jaedyn went to day care, and just do some work on the elliptical or treadmill for the 30 mins and start to see the results I wanted. That's so not the case though! My initial goal was to only drop down to 175, but since I got so close to it without even knowing, I decided to push myself a bit more and set an ideal goal for 160 and that's it. I've always had meat on my bones, and I always plan to. I don't want to be a skinny minny. Like Queen Latifah says, "I want to be a size healthy!". I don't necessarily want to get skinner, just be healthier and have more energy to help keep up with this maniac toddler of mine.

Well, in order to achieve those goals, not only do I need to do the cardio, but I need to do resistance training as well. BOOOOOOOOOOO! Those sessions with the trainer kicked my butt. I didn't want to move out of bed the next day and I could barely lift/carry Jaedyn because my arms were so sore. Ironically though, after each workout, I felt so much better on the inside.

On Monday, I met with Lee again. We were going over if I thought I would want to sign up to have a personal trainer on a regular basis, about the types of workouts I should be doing, that I should focus on different areas of the body each time I come in, the amount of calories I should be eating everyday, so on and so forth. I lost weight in the beginning in a very unhealthy way: simply not eating. Being busy all day long with a baby, on top of being depressed, I had no desire to eat. I'm kind of still that way. If I get in two meals a day, I'm doing good! Plus, I thought the less I ate, the more weight I would lose. Apparently, that's not the case. He was explaining to me that the food I eat is fuel. If there is no gas in your car, you're not going to be able to go anywhere right? Same concept with food and the body. Since food is fuel, if I'm not eating, then my body is going to store fat and I'm also not going to have any energy. He mentioned how it bothered him to see me come in there drained every time I met with him. That's when asked if I had an outlet...

I thought about it for a moment, then I said, "no". He said that he could tell, then we discussed how he felt when he lost his mother 6 years ago and went on to explain how he just started to feel like he could live his life again about a year ago. They say it takes about 5-10 years to really grieve. We talked for a few more minutes, then I went on to workout. It's only required I do 30 minutes 3x a week, however I do 30 minutes of cardio and 30 minutes of resistance training. I wish someone could record me when I walk out of there, it's hilarious. My body feels like it just wants to give out, but at the same time I feel SO GOOD after each workout. On the way to pick up Jaedyn, I kept thinking about having an outlet--not having one rather.

Sure this blog could be considered an outlet, but it's more of me just getting out all the many things floating around in my head. Yes, I have my front row I talked about in a previous post I could talk to, but it's pretty much the same as blogging. My married friends don't understand the struggles I have to face on a daily basis as a single parent. My friends who have their child(ren's) father's in their lives and can get a break couldn't understand how I was at a breaking point the other day because I simply wanted to take a shit in peace and Jaedyn was either all over me, up under me crying and then when I put him out, he stood on the other side of the door screaming his head off. My friends who have jobs don't know what it's like trying to get by on unemployment...one check doesn't even cover rent! My friends who still live at home with their parents don't know what it's like trying to live on your own, raise a child and worry about how their next bill is going to get paid. My friends whose biggest worry is not being able to save for retirement, family vacations, or having a decent savings period doesn't know what it's like to worry about if you can afford to send your child to day care next week or what it feels like to have your bank account down to double digits. Yes, I said double digits! My friends who have supportive parents who come get their grand kids on the weekends doesn't know what's it's like to lose a parent and the only parent you have left is more willing to help others and take care of their kids than you or your own. My friends who are in a relationship/married, with a job, etc., don't know how it feels to be single, 24 years old with a college degree, no job and a kid. I could go on forever here!

So yeah, I can vent, but it only does so much. I can put my son to bed early and stay up late to do certain things and have some me time, but again...it only does so much. I don't get to go out to dinner or to the movies like I used to. I have't been to a jazz concert in forever. Can't even remember the last time I hung out with a friend without Jaedyn being there too. Before Lee and I wrapped up that whole discussion from above, he ended with, "If you keep continue to do the things you're doing, you're eventually going to break down. Your body will simply give out."

"Damn, we've only met three times and this dude just totally read me!" I thought to myself!

He couldn't have been more right though. Each and everyday I continue to push myself and my body beyond its limits and I never give my time to rest. Last month when I was seen at the hospital for the strep throat and sinuscitis infection, they told me to rest. As sore as I was, I wanted to laugh in the doctor's face. "Me...rest? LMAO! You're kidding me right?! I have a highly active toddler and no family in the area. REST is not in my vocabulary!" It really was a sad/bad situation that I was that sick & miserable and couldn't take the time to rest. On top of me being sick as hell, Jaedyn had an ear infection and cold that same week too! Man it was awful!!!

While I was driving and thinking about all that, I kept asking myself, "what could be my outlet? What makes me feel better???" Then it hit me. "I feel great right now! I'm in a better mood. I'm not thinking about my near empty bank account. I'm not thinking about any of my other stressors or worrying about anything right now. I feel like I'm on drugs--well I did take a Vicodin before I went but still, LOL!" I just felt so good! It's funny, because I had set my alarm to get up and go to the gym since Lee said he would be looking out for me, and when it went off, I laid there thinking of every excuse I could give him as to why I didn't show up. I would have seriously regretted if I didn't go. I had no reason not to since I had slept just about the whole time Jaedyn had been gone.

As a result, I decided that if there is nothing else I do for myself, I will do this one thing and use it as my outlet every Monday, Wednesday and Friday. If only for an hour I can focus on the movie they have playing in the cinema, how good I feel and not think about any bills, dating, stupid people, or how sexually deprived I am, etc., then that's what I will do. I constantly worry about others, trying to make sure they are okay/have what they need, and taking care of everyone but Courtney. I'm not gonna be around as long as I would like if I continue to do that. Going to the gym is my new outlet and I need it for more than just to lose weight. I'm glad I took that first step, I'm glad Lee said what he did to me. Now I just have to work on the procrastination part, LOL. I learned though that like with everything else in my life, I can't sit around and wait on others and try to use them for motivation. This has to be something I do on my own for ME!

So how about YOU? Do you have an outlet? If so, what is it? If not, realizing how important having one is, what do you think you could do to get one???

Share Something Saturday

2009-08-22T23:03:00.004-04:00

Sorry it's dark, I should have turned on a light, but I was trying to be fast in order to catch him. I never knew the theme song to the Backyardigans was so exciting, but obviously it calls for some dancing and applause! I love my snookems :)

Kids on a Leash?!

2009-08-18T20:43:00.007-04:00

If you had to pick one word to describe your child what would it be? Let me get some of the basics out of the way: sweet, charming, loving, handsome, beautiful, a blessing, darling, angelic, so on and so forth. Now that all of those words are out of the way, what word would you choose? If I had to pick one word to describe Jaedyn you know the first word that comes to mind? MANIAC! I mean that in the best, most loving way possible though LOL.

Jaedyn is... Jaedyn is like a horse of a different color. I've never met a child like him before. I seriously have never met a child who had SO MUCH personality at his age. He is the most determined, extroverted, animated, energetic, goofball that I've ever known, LOL. According to babycenter.com the proper term is "spirited", not maniac but heck, I call it like I see it!

Let me clarify, I love my son to death, "spirited" and all. He is an amazing child...handsome, sweet, silly, a blessing, everything I mentioned above. He is the best for uplifting me when I'm down and knows how to get himself out of trouble by doing something silly. I don't know where he gets it from, but he is a true people person as well. He thrives on attention from others. When we're out somewhere, while I'm annoyed by people holding us up by stopping to talk to/play with him, he could stay there all say with his cute little antics to push them on for even more attention. I used to think it was cute at first.

"Aww shucky ducky, I got me a cute baby every loves!" Now I'm more like, "Look lady/dude, I'm just trying to grab something real quick for dinner, you're hold me up!"

The problem I have is with him being a little too determined and stubborn--which I can't too much hold against him because I know he gets it from me. Another thing that's good, but I have issues with is the fact that he is so smart; slick rather! Let me give you an example of what I mean: the TV in the living room. It's a rather big television that's low to the ground in an entertainment center. Meaning Jaedyn can easily reach the buttons to change the channel, adjust the volume, turn it on/off, etc. It goes without saying that he loves to press those buttons. I tried putting black electrical tape over them, but that still won't deter this "spirited" young child. When I see he goes near them and has that look on his face (the one they give right before they are about to do something they know they aren't supposed to and to see whether you're looking or not. Moms, you know what I'm talking about!), I will call his name loudly. That stops him for a second, or at least until he thinks I am distracted. He goes for it again, and again I say in my "mom voice", "Jaedyn, NO!" Sometimes I honestly wonder what he thinks he name is because when he's doing something he shouldn’t be, I can say "Jaedyn" over & over again as loudly as possible and he won't budge.

Just try using redirection then Courtney!

HA! You must have missed the part when I mentioned how determined he was. Sure after a couple times of calling his name, I will go over to him and move him away from the TV and take him over to his toys. I can bet my last dime that before I go back to sit down, he is already headed back over to the television to at least get his fingers on one of those buttons! I only go through that so many times, before a nice pop on those hands does the trick...at least for awhile.

I remember when I couldn't wait for Jaedyn to start walking. I wanted him to be walking before his first birthday. Like any parent, I was more than overjoyed at this huge milestone. Well, that was then. Just like I now wonder what the hell I was in such a rush to be an adult for, I now wonder the same thing about wanting him to walk. The kid won't keep still! He doesn't want to sit with me anymore, I barely get to carry him around anymore--which my back has no complaints about, he follows me everywhere and he never wants to be “restrained”. The boy has figured out how to wiggle out of his stroller and the shopping carts, and yes I have him strapped in!!! After the first time I was in Wal-Mart looking at something and turned around just as he had gotten out of the buckle, stood up and was about to fall over, I try to avoid taking him to stores as much as possible now.

I like taking him to the mall in Akron sometimes because they have a carousel, those .25 cent rides, and a pet shop Jaedyn loves. Sure, I still bring the stroller in, but it only holds him for so long. When I take him out, he will sometimes get behind the stroller and help me push it...sometimes. The majority of the time he will freely walk either next to me or ahead of me. That's not too bad, until he wants to wander off. He wants to go all the way back to the end of the mall where the pet shop is, when we were headed towards the front to leave. Trying that, "Okay, bye...I'm leaving" line doesn't work with him. He will wave and tell me "bye" and continue on with his business. Oh yeah, that whole stranger anxiety mess??? Yeah...he must have skipped right over that stage because it doesn't exist to him. He will easily go up to a random person and grab their leg and touch their child and walk along with them. He has nooooo problem whatsoever going off on his own without me, grrr!

Well one day I was at the same mall, without him this time to get my eye brows threaded (it ain't got ish on waxing, whew!). As I was walking out, I saw this little boy. He had a cute monkey backpack on. The closer I got to him, I noticed the backpack had this long thing on it... I followed it and it lead to his mother's hand and then it hit me. "OMG, she has her kid on a leash!" Although I had heard many jokes about kids being on leashes, I don't think I had actually seen one close up and in real life like that before. One of my favorite comedian's, Katt Williams, jokes about it in one of his performances.

You know how before you were a parent, you'd be out somewhere and see a parent struggling with their baby or their kid having a tantrum in the middle of the supermarket, and you’d think to yourself, "that would never be me or my child!". Then sometime down the line, you become a parent and end up going through something like that at one time or another?! Well, that was me in this situation. I said I could never understand or see myself putting my kid on a leash. It’s all about control right? I was raised on spankings and my mother had me in line, so all I had to do was practice those same methods rights? Well, not really. For one, I don't want to parent anything like my mother did, and two, it's not really a matter of control or discipline.

The older Jaedyn gets, the more he gets into and tries to test me. Like I previously mentioned, the "no, stop, don't", and redirecting will only go on for so long before he gets popped. He is too young to understand or sit still for a time out or having a toy taken away. He can understand if mommy warns me not to do something and I do it anyways, I will get popped. While I don't like hitting my son or causing him any kind of pain, it gets the point across. However, when he wants to run off away from me in the mall, am I supposed to pop--or even beat him from the back of the mall to the entrance to get him to follow me?

When we are about to leave out to go somewhere, he likes to open the door, step down by himself and be outside of the apartment. That would be fine and dandy if he didn't run off as soon as he hit the concrete. I can't imagine what the neighbors think when I constantly yell for him to stop or come back, but no matter what I say, he wants to run straight for the car. It's not a busy area/parking lot, but it's the principle of the matter. He may go further than the car, a dog could be loose, or we could actually be in a busy parking lot somewhere that he doesn’t want to be carried and tries to run off.

So I've flirted with the idea of this backpack thing, but I can't get over the stigma of it. I'm not one to really care what others think or have to say about me or anything like that. How I choose to parent and raise my child is no one’s business but my own since I’m going at this alone. I think it's cute that the backpack is a stuffed animal that I could store snacks or extra diapers and stuff in instead of carrying a diaper bag, and not just...an actual leash but still. When I think of or see something like that, I can't help but think of a cat or a dog. I don't want to take my son to the mall and seem like I'm walking my dog around for some exercise. Whether it's a matter of concern for his own personal safety or not...I just couldn't get over that. I don't care if I'm now amongst the ones everyone--including myself, used to laugh at about for doing it. Jaedyn isn't a bad child, I promise you, he is an absolute joy to be around. I'm not just saying that as his mother either. Five minutes with this kid and you will be in love with him, but you will also see what I mean about him being a maniac--my bad, "spirited".

What do you think about the whole "kids on a leash" concept? If you were the parent of a "spirited" child, would you consider using one? If not, what methods would you use? Do you think it's really all about the lack of control parents have over their child(ren)? Lemme know what you think!

Hair Changes

2009-08-16T22:54:00.014-04:00

Yesterday was probably the first time I had seen my hair--how long it really was rather--in a long time. It's been two years this month since I've gotten a relaxer or dyed it. Just say "NO" to chemicals, LOL! I was honestly surprised at how long it was and how good it looked since it had gone so long without any chemicals. It's amazing how well some hair grease and flat irons will work! Should have taken a before pic, but the after still looks nice.

I wish I could wear my hair like that, despite it still being SUPER thin, but I know after the first time I go outside in all this ridiculous heat & humidity or go workout that it's going to poof back up again. I used to have really thick and pretty hair. Then during my first year of high school, I let the wrong person do it and had to get most of it cut off. It took until my senior year for it to grow completely back again. That was also the first time I got a sew-in, since I wanted thick crimps for prom. Well, I got addicted to them. All through college I had a sew-in. Then the summer of 2007 I decided to get zillions, since my hair was thinning out again from all the relaxers and color, but I loved those! I like styles that I don't have to worry much about it. I can get dressed, maybe toss the style around a bit and go. So I started wearing zillions, kinky twist, and regular corn rows.

Well, as convenient as those styles were, they were only making my hair situation even worse. Not to mention I was so stressed (during the time of my depression) that my hair was literally falling out. I could just rub my fingers through my hair and my hair would come out. That's how bad it was. I was sent to see a dermatologist, but she said there was technically nothing wrong with my scalp. It was a result being stressed and most women lose some hair post-partum anyways. To stop stressing at that point in my life was impossible, so luckily I had a good braider who could work around my bald spot. Yes, I actually had a bald spot. I could have submitted my pic for one of those Rogain commericals or something. Here's a pic I took I think the beginning of the year. As you can see from the first picture, it's gotten somewhat better thank God!

Things were good until we moved to Ohio. Let me rephrase that, things were good until we moved to the suburbs! Where you have to drive to another city just to find a real beauty supply store, let alone an "urban/african" hair shop. I found this one lady in Akron who was able to do the Jazzwater style I had been wearing all summer. The girl who did it for me in Detroit only charged $35 bucks and it would last about a month. The lady at this place charged me 4x as much and the tracks started coming out after about 2 weeks, even though it was a sew-in. Needless to say, I won't be going back there anymore, ugh! So what am I going to do?

I don't want to give myself a relaxer since my hair is already super thin. That would be the only way I could manage it on my own in the wrap. I don't have the time, money, or mileage on my car to go back to Detroit every 3-4 weeks to get it done. So I had decided the next time I went to Detroit, I would get kinky twist again, or the zillions that really pulled my hair out :-/ Basically my hair would never get back to how I wanted if I continued to get those. It was either that or have a Britney Spears moment in the bathroom and just find a good collection of wigs or something. *sigh*

Then I stumbled across a friend of mines blog. It was kind of hard to imagine that someone had a blog just about their hair, LOL, but that's my girl! Anyways, as I was going through her pictures on there and Facebook, it sparked something in me. I have NEVER liked twisties, dreads, whatever you want to call them. I call them lil hair worms. I don't care how cute a guy was, if he had those rough long looking worms in his hair, or even the short ones like D.L Hughley or Jamie Foxx rocked for a minute, I wouldn't even look his way! But there is something different about hers. They aren't dreadlocks, but some kind of curly like...things, LOL. I have no idea what I'm talking about as you can see, so I stole a few pics of the style she used to have that I liked as an example...

That girl know she bad, LOL! But yeah, this is the style I want to try. I'm just so particular about my hair and don't like to try new things though. I like to stick to what I know looks/tastes/smells good. Even though it takes her awhile, she is able to tighten them up herself now too. Hell, I only studied cosmetology for a year before switching to manicuring, but as much hair as I've done, I should be able to figure it out eventually, right?! It would be a style I didn't care if it got wet, I could just get up and go, and it would be better overall for my severely damaged hair.

So what do you guys think? Could u see this look on me? Ever experienced a drastic hair style change like this before? Did you hate it? Like it? Got other advice/suggestions for me??? BRING IT ON :)

Ohhh, the joys of motherhood

2009-08-16T21:44:00.005-04:00

I should have known how today would play out by the way I woke up. Jaedyn woke up earlier than I thought he would since he was up way later than normal, which put me in a funky mood. We ate some oatmeal, watched a couple cartoons, then he got cranky. When he gets like that, I put him in his bed. He can either go to sleep or just take a time out. I don't care as long as he isn't up under me frustrating me. I was able to get a little nap in, woke up with a painful crook in my neck though, grrr.

Throughout the entire day, this little boy continuously kept pushing my buttons; getting into stuff he knew he wasn't supposed to, being super hard headed and honorary, just ugh. I really hate when I have to pop him, but it was unavoidable several times today. Anyways, it was getting close to his bed time, so I figured we could take one of our longer bubble baths, then finish it off with a shower to kill the rest of the time. We were in there probably a good 45 minutes or so.

Once he is dried off, he opens the bathroom door and goes in his room to play with his toys until I am finished drying off and comes in there to lotion him up and put his PJ's on. Well this time I went in my room first. I saw I had a voicemail. Wondering why this same person called me after I purposely hadn't responded to the message they sent me earlier, I took a moment to check the voicemail. After I'm done listening to it, I walk into Jaedyn's room to a horrible smell and a pile of shit that he is standing in. I.WANTED.TO.DIE!!!

He had his hand in it, chunks of it was down his legs, in between his toes and really good into the carpet. So I had to carry him back to the tub and wash him up all over again. Chunks of shit just floating all around everywhere. Once he was cleaned off, I took him back to his room to get him dressed. I put him in his crib, then went to get a roll of paper towel and the Woolite carpet stain spray. I picked up what I could of it, then sprayed the carpet spray on the spots. While I let that try to set, I go back in the bathroom to clean out the tub that was absolutely disgusting. After that's all clean, I got back to his room and try to scrub the carpet. Stains aren't coming up. Spray some more and let it sit.

Meanwhile, I finally come in my room to put some clothes on--yeah, hadn't had time to do any of that yet! Go back into his room and scrub the carpet 2 more times. The whole bottle of carpet spray is just about gone at this point. I guess most of the stains came up, I couldn't really tell since the spots were so wet. I picked Jaedyn up from his crib, fixed him something to eat, rocked him for a bit, and reassured him that despite us having a bad day together, I still loved him and things would get better. I told him I loved him again, put him in his crib, and closed the door!

I can only pray that today was the final exam to the many tests I've had every since my father passed because I'm seriously at my breaking point. I'm lonely, I'm frustrated, I'm broke, my friends can't relate and are even starting to irritate me, nothing seems to be going the way I want, and I'm just sick of waiting for it to be my turn. I'm just grateful tomorrow is a day care day. I seriously need some time to myself. Ohhh, the joys of motherhood!

Parental Gripe #4: Your parents did NOT have your child(ren), quit having them raise them!

2009-08-15T02:58:00.003-04:00

I don't get this one. It was YOU who laid down and decided to allow yourself to get pregnant, right? Let's not sugarcoat it. Your child may not have been planned, yet you didn't do anything to keep from conceiving either. I am guilty of this myself.

I knew early on I'd be faced with being a single parent and that I'd be sacrificing a lot by having Jaedyn. I didn't go out a lot before I had him so I knew I wouldn't be missing out on too much. I'm a homebody. I've been to 2 clubs in my life and that's more than enough for me. Seeing as how I chose to allow myself to get pregnant, and chose to keep my son, he is no one's responsibility but mine. My mother didn't have him, she had me. My father wasn't able to care for Jaedyn so I will leave him out.

I can count on one hand how many times I've left Jaedyn with my mother for me to go out and do something I wanted, not needed to do, and a few of those times it wasn't just to go out and get away from him, I just didn't want him to be out that late or the weather was bad. He is 13 months old and has only spent TWO nights away from me and it was only because I was handling business for us to move out-of-state. I know she may wanna watch him more, but I'm just not that kind of mother, and never will be. He is MY responsibility.

Now don't get me wrong and let me clarify myself. Everyone needs a break once in awhile, especially if you are a single parent like me. Everyone needs to get out and see a movie, hang out with a friend, grab a bite to eat, etc., without the kid. I take Jaedyn with me most of the time, but there are times where I just needed to get out and do my own thing. This is rare and I'm not knocking that. Not just because it's something I do, but because for your sanity, you truly just need that.

What I'm knocking is the parents who still go out clubbin every weekend while their child(ren) is at home with grandma and/or grandpa. I'm knocking the parents who go out and constantly get drunk. Have you thought about one night when you're out getting drunk, something may happen to your child? Are you going to rush to a hospital and be able to answer questions and get information while you're drunk--or high?!

Aside from having your parents rasie your child is having a "community baby". Meaning you let anyone who is willing watch your child just so that you are able to still go out and do whatever you want. I have some really good friends, some of whom are parents themselves. Yet, I've only had three people watch Jaedyn before I took the plunge of putting him in day care: my mother, my god mother, and his god father. Yes, there are nights when I want to go out and there are a couple friends in the area I would let watch Jaedyn. A couple friends. I will not leave him with the first person who offers just so I can go have a night out!

Finally, I'm really knocking the parents who have their parents raise their kids for them in general. When your child calls you by your first name and your mother "mommy". It's truly sad when your child calls someone else "mommy"! You ought to be ashamed of yourself! If you aren't ready to put your child first and your life on hold in order to be responsibile and care for them like you should, don't have kids!!! Close your legs or use one of the MANY forms of contraception that's available now a days. QUIT BEING SELFISH!!!

Please excuse me while I brag...

2009-08-12T21:55:00.010-04:00

I know every mother says this about their child, but I've really got the most amazing little boy a mother could ask for!

I worked so hard to get him here and if I had to go back and do it all over again, I would! I remember when I was pregnant with Jaedyn, I couldn't stop thinking about how he would look, who he would act more like, etc. I was so happy my doctor's office had a 4-D ultrasound machine. When I got one at 18 weeks, he looked more like an alien, so that didn't help. I got another sometime during the 30 week period. He was hiding, of course, so I only got a glimpse of his face. I guess the shallowness in me just wanted to make sure he wasn't ugly, LOL.

When I first saw him, I thought, "boy, are you funny looking!" He still had all the yucky stuff on him and was so white/pink looking. I didn't see me in him, nor did I see his father.

They cleaned him off, wrapped him up in at least 3 blankets, put a hat on his head, then handed him to me. That's the only situation/time I would say I believed in love love at first sight. I don't even remember what I first said to him, I was in such awe at the time. Once they placed him in my arms, I didn't want to let him go even though I was exhausted. I didn't want anyone else to hold him or for him to be out of my sight for even a second.

My life has changed so much since then. Jaedyn is the only one I know who can push me beyond my limits one minute, then totally bring my spirits up the next. I never knew it was possible to love someone like this until he came into my life. Now that he is here, I don't see how I ever lived without him and his love. People may think I'm joking when I mention how sad I am that he is growing up, but I couldn't be any more serious. I miss the days when I could lay him on my chest and he'd fall asleep on me. I miss the way he cried when he was a newborn. I miss how light he used to be when I carried him around, LOL. I miss leaving him in one spot and when I came back, he was still in it. I miss my baby being simply that...my baby! Now he is a big boy.

He'd rather me put him in his crib at night to fall asleep on his own instead of having me rock him to sleep in the expensive glider & ottoman I bought for basically nothing now. He'd rather run around all over the place instead of cuddling up and watching TV together. He'd rather feed his self now than to have me do it. He even wants to try and put his shoes and clothes on without my help already! Why does he have to grow up so fast and have the need for independence??? :(

Rather than just mope around about something I have no control over though, I try to embrace it and show as much praise as I can. We work on different things everyday and I know going to day care has helped him a lot as well. Having a son as handsome, smart and just down right amazing like him gives me the right to brag a little!

- He started walking before his 1st birthday
- He is the only one in his class to be only on sippy cups. Those bottles went in the trash his birthday weekend!
- His vocabulary is amazing! He can say at least 15 words I can think of off the top of my head
- If I tell him to go pick up his cup, or to hand me something, he will go pick it up and bring it to me
- When he coughs, he pats the front his chest, lol
- He knows how to make my Sidekick screen pop open and make phone calls to people *sigh* Probably why I'm low on minutes now...
- He can point to a picture of him self and attempt to say his name
- At night, I will tell him to turn off the lights and not only does he understand what it means, but he can turn the switches off
- When he poops, he will grab his diaper and let me know he has "boo boo(ed)". If only he would tell me BEFORE he went.
- When ever he sees a dog, he will point to it and start barking...although he did that when we saw a cat yesterday, so we need to work on that.
- When the refrigerator is open, he knows which drawer at the bottom to open up and steal grapes from
- He knows/loves Patty Cake
- He FINALLY understands when I say, "go play with your toys" to go in his room to play with them. {I will settle for even just a minute or two of peace}
- Did I mention how handsome he was? LOL

He really makes me so proud and is so smart for his age--a little too smart if you ask me. Each and everyday he does something new and impressive. I love watching him grow and develop. I can't wait to see the man he turns into--I take that back. I can wait :) Mommy loves you snookems!

(A video of him saying ball and going to get it)

Parental Gripe #7: Stop trying to be your kids friend and be their PARENT!!!

2009-08-12T00:59:00.002-04:00

Let me start out by saying, when I was younger, my mother beat my ass. Point blank. She says she talked to me more than she spanked me, funny how I only remember the spankings, LOL. I wasn't too fond of them back then, but now that I'm older and a mother myself, I can appreciate them more.

My mother was always on me about my grades, I couldn't bring home anything less than a B without getting in trouble. Without that, would I have cared about making the Dean's List so many times in college or been able to get the few scholarships I had? Probably not.

My mother came to parent-teacher conferences and volunteered for different events so my teachers could know her. They knew to personally call her if I got out of line in school--which never happened. As a result I never once got suspended and I can't even remember ever serving a detention! In college I had a teacher who let us call her by her first name. To this day even when we talk, I don't feel comfortable calling her anything else than Dr. Walker out of respect. Hell, she earned that title!

I remember always having chores. Wash this, clean that, vacuum here, dust right over there. No matter who they were I respected my elders. I wouldn't necessarily say I feared my mother, but I definitely respected her and knew who the boss was. Okay so maybe there was some fear here or there a time or ten :-P

We had a rough relationship through the years. Things got better in high school when we became closer. We were the best of friends and had an awkward relationship. Not many mothers and daughters talk about their sex lives or look through magazines of dildos and vibrators together, LOL! The communication and openness between us was great and I hope that Jaedyn and I will have the same relationship. I want him to be able to come to me about ANY and everything. I want to be his mother and his best friend, but some parents don't know how to handle both or where to draw the line...

It kills me when I see kids telling their parents what to do. Yelling at them, cursing at them, even talking back would have got me knocked into the next week. Where have the boundaries gone? Parents these days have become PUNKS!!! What the hell is up with kids in ELEMENTARY school having cell phones? Middle school kids telling their parents when they will be home from a night out? Don't even get me started on high school kids!

What has happened to parenting in society these days? What happened to the days where kids had to go outside and pick out their own switch to get a whooping with? My sisters mom used to beat her with extension cords. Sh!t you know had a lasting effect and you weren't going to do it again.

Again I don't think it's nothing wrong with being close/open with your child(ren), it's healthy, but they have enough friends. They don't need another one in you, they need a damn parent! I hear about so many kids doing crazy things on the news all the time and all I say to myself is, "I bet if they had a good ass whooping or two in their life it wouldn't have happened!". I'm not promoting child abuse or anything like that and I'm not saying just because you never got one you're a menace to society. I'm just saying F%#@ a time out...seriously! Be a parent, not a friend!

Fork in the Road

2009-08-11T23:13:00.006-04:00

I've come to the point in my life where I'm at the fork in the road and I seriously don't know which direction I want to go in either...

Even though it's been hard to get by, I consider myself blessed to be able to stay home with my son and not have to worry about work. In the 13 months he has been here, I've worked only two of those months. I was really upset when I had to go on bed rest when I was pregnant and lost my job. However, it ended up working out for the better. I got to stay home with my new baby who I had endured so much for (read this if you missed what I went through), and didn't have to worry about rushing back to work. I started working a very stressful job at a domestic violence/sexual assault shelter and on a 24 hour crisis hot line when he was 5 months old. I don't think I was there a whole two months before I ended up breaking my ankle and leaving the company. I thought that as the going to be the worst part of my life for the new year (boy was I wrong). I had to manage to take care of a baby, when I could only walk on crutches and I no longer had any income. After a few months though, I was able to get back on unemployment and have been trying to get by on it every since.

It's funny how things end up playing out, whether it's how you planned for them to or not. I'm glad I lost my job when I did. There's no way I could have still been working there and dealt with the death of my father. Plus, just the fact that I had a job in this economy might have tempted me to stay in Michigan. I couldn't be any happier that we moved away from there. It was so much negativity going on and things there in general were just getting worse.

People may think being a stay at home mom is easy, but it really isn't. For someone who doesn't work I am still CONSTANTLY on the go! I love my son to death and to this day, he has still only spent two nights away from me, but Lord have mercy if a break isn't necessary once in awhile! Just yesterday I wanted to lose it because I couldn't even use the bathroom without him up under me. When I made him leave out, he stood on the other side of the door and screamed his head off...how can you possibly relax to use the bathroom with all that going on?! Not only that, but I miss the adult conversation. My days consist of singing the theme songs to Dora, The Wonder Pets, Yo Gabba Gabba, etc.

Finally getting onto where the fork in the road lies, LOL. I don't know whether or not I want to go down the work path, or the school path. My goal before I got pregnant was to have my Masters by the time I was 25. Well, I will be 25 in a little more than four months from now so that isn't going to happen. So I thought, at least starting to work towards my Masters by time I was 25 would be a new attainable goal. Besides not really being sure of what I wanted to focus on, the money wasn't there. I will already probably be paying off my undergrad loans for the rest of my life so there was no way I was going to take out anymore. Well, I finally found a program at KSU I would be interested in and found out I could qualify for a special grant if I went back to school. Problem solved right??? Well, not exactly...

You see another mission of mine before I turned 25 was to be a homeowner and to purchase my first car. Yes, I have a car now, but it's a lease. My lease is going to be up soon and the next car I get I want to buy. I want to say I actually OWN something and be able to make alterations and do things I want to it. Well guess what? No matter how much money I have sitting in the bank, unless I plan on paying the full amount for it--which I don't, no bank is going to let me get a house or a car without a J-O-B! It's probably bad the only reason I want a job is so that I can have something to put down...and for the health insurance. I honestly can't imagine working a full time job as stressed as my life is right now, but single, stressed mothers do it every day.

I've sent out countless resumes since we moved here and have only been on two official interviews, all of which have taken place in the past 2 weeks. The first position, I thought I would really want. It had a cool title (lame, I know, LOL), was with a good non-profit human service agency, decent 8am-4pm schedule with no weekends, only about 10 minutes away from where I live and probably not even 20 from my son's day care. During the interview when I found out more about the position, I'm like, "wow...all the work that goes into this position, I know it has to pay well!" So far from the case! The pay wasn't there and after finding out more about the position and touring the place, it's not somewhere I would want to work. Still in the back of my mind I'm thinking, "No job...no car/house!"

Days after that interview, I got called in for another one at a different place. Again, another well-known non-profit human service agency, the title was even cooler than the other one, and even though it wasn't as close as the other place, it still wasn't that far compared to the other places I sent my resume to. The interview went great in my opinion. I pulled out all the tricks I could possibly find via the world wide web (LOL), provided one of my best evaluations, hand wrote a personal thank you letter, some of everything. The position entailed a lot and I would even have my own staff, yep...I'd wear the big draws! I would have liked for the pay to be a little bit higher, but it was still decent and much better than the other position.

"So what's the problem?" you ask.

The position requires A LOT of flexibility! If someone on my staff can't come in for their shift and I can't find someone else to cover them, guess who will have to come and fill in??? You got it, me. That would cause two issues. One, I'd have to have to find one heck of a good babysitter I could call at the drop of a dime to watch my son. Secondly, what if I decide to start school this Fall and someone calls off in the middle of one of my classes? I'd have to miss out on class to go fill in for someone, grrrr! I couldn't afford to get behind in most of my undergraduate classes, so I ain't even thinking about missing one on the graduate level!

So I really don't know what to do. Someone from Human Resources at the first place I interviewed at has already called me back, I'm 99% sure to offer me the position, but I haven't called her back yet. {I was in the middle of my other interview when she called and left the voicemail} To register for Fall classes, it is recommend that you apply 6-8 weeks before the start of the semester, however I talked to the lady in charge of program and she informed me it wasn't too late to apply if I really wanted to get in. I just needed to submit my application, pay the fee of course, write a letter of interest and get two letters of recommendation sent in like ASAP! I don't want to go through all of that, have them accept me into the program, register for classes, then get offered the job that requires me to be flexible and not be able to attend. But at the same time, I don't want to not apply and miss out on starting classes this Fall, then not get offered the position you know? It's so frustrating!

Even though the first place I interviewed at is closer and would better suit my schedule and Jaedyn's current day care hours, I just really don't think I'd be happy working there. If the pay was there, I'd deal with it in the mean time until something else came along, but that's not even the case. With the second position, even though it'd be a great position for someone my age, the money is there and I really like it, I don't know if I should accept it if offered. I don't think it's the type of job for someone who has a young child and no family in the area I could leave my son with when ever I'm called in or needed to respond to an emergency situation. I just don't know which path to go down. I have to land some kind of job within the next month or so if I plan on trying to own anything though!

What would you do if you were in my situation? Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!!

No Fairytale Pregnancy

2009-08-08T02:37:00.010-04:00

Jaedyn's god mother took this picture of me when she came to visit during one of the fifty days I had to spend in the hospital while pregnant with Jaedyn (yes, I said 50 days!). I miscarried twice and lost three children before I successfully pushed snookems out when I was 36 weeks pregnant. Ironically, after my last miscarriage--which occurred less than 2 months before I got pregnant with Jaedyn--I decided I didn't want to have children anymore; it just wasn't meant to be. However, third time was a charm as they say, because not only did I finally have a child, but God gave me what my heart desired: a boy!

I couldn't be any more serious when I say I'd absolutely die if I got pregnant again. That's part of the main reason I am celibate, because despite having this Implanon under my arm that's supposed to be “highly effective” and last for the next three years, I'm still paranoid. Condoms break, slip ups happen! I knew being a single parent would be hard, but never this hard. Maybe because I thought I would have more support. When I tell people how strongly I am against having anymore children, people always rebuttal with, “You may feel differently once you are married and have a partner to help with raising the child.” Umm, sorry but BS! Even if I were married to two men at the same time, the majority of the work and responsibility would get placed on me. Not only am I unsure about how I feel on getting married anymore, but to be having a husband is like having another child. Yes, things should be equal, but that’s usually not the case in most situations.

It’s more to it than just having the support there as well. For one, I’ve always wanted a boy and I got what I wanted. I think I’d die if I had a girl, especially if she would be anything like me when I was younger. They always say your kids will be worse than you were so Lord have mercy on that one! Yes, I was something else and I’m not afraid to admit it. Secondly, I know how it feels to be pushed to the side because someone new comes along and it’s an awful feeling. I would never want Jaedyn to feel like I loved him less or he wasn’t as important to me anymore because I had to share my love between my children. Finally, getting Jaedyn here wasn’t easy at all. I’ve had one of the worst pregnancies of anyone I know. I know what you’re going to say, “Every pregnancy is different”. But no, mine would be the same because all of the issues I had were medical related and would still be there the next time around. I couldn’t imagine going through all this again, being that I would still have another child to care for already!

Here is something I wrote when I was about 8 months pregnant with Jaedyn…

*I've been involved with a man I shouldn't have been for seven months, who took all but seven minutes to turn his back on me & our unborn child all because I wouldn't go against my moral and personal beliefs and get an abortion.
*I've been accused of "planning" my pregnancy all because he ASSUMED I was on the pill, never once taking responsibility for not using a condom.
*I've had to put getting an apartment and being on my own again on hold since I now was faced with being a single parent.
*I've had to go to the doctor’s office once a week for trans-vaginal ultrasounds, all while working 60+ hours a week
*I've had to get a painful amniocentesis @ 19 weeks because I was told my baby was underdeveloped for his gestational age and if it came back abnormal, I may have to abort.
*I've also been told @ 19 weeks that my cervix was incompetent and that I could no longer work and would have to go on bed rest.
*At 20 weeks, I was told my cervix had shortened to a dangerous level and there was a chance I could lose my baby.
*I've had surgery to place a stitch around my cervix to keep it closed because @ 21 weeks, it had already started to dilate.
*I've been told that despite getting the stitch, my cervix had shortened even more and if my baby was born then, he would have ZERO chance of survival.
*I've been placed in the hospital on bed rest 3 times now and given steroids to help my cervix and to boost the production of my baby's lungs.
*I've spent a total of FIFTY days and 2 holidays in the hospital.
*I've had my son's survival rate go from 0% to 94%
*I've found out that I was Rh negative and have to get special shots for that in case my baby's blood type is positive so that I don't build up antibodies that start to attack him.
*I've had to get injections twice a day for a blood thinner called Heparin that has left bruises on me everywhere it was injected (yep, it has made the news several times!)
*I've been called mentally unstable and told I was going to be a bad parent, yep, all because I "planned" my pregnancy & wouldn't abort.
*I've dealt with a 31 year old man, with 2 other kids of his own not ask ONCE in 8 months how his own son was doing or if I was okay on one of the many days I was in the hospital.
*I've been placed with the fear that I would have to plan a funeral for my father before my son was born.
*I've been told that if my diabetes wasn't better controlled, even after coming this far, my baby could be a stillborn.
*I've had to get a weekly hormone shot that helps keep my uterus from contracting.
*I've been placed on insulin for the first time ever.
*I currently have to get 29 shots a week, 28 of which I give to myself.
*I've had my pelvic bone separate and get constant hip pain from having to lay on my sides all day long.
*I've had to miss out on graduations, funerals, and parties of those closest to me because of my bed rest.
*I'm currently 8 months pregnant and have yet to gain one pound since I was so sick & lost a lot of weight during my 1st trimester (not complaining about this @ all, lol).
*I've learned who truly cares and will come thru for us and who only talks about it.
*I've constantly had to struggle with being happy about my current pregnancy while still mourning the loss of my previous pregnancy and how close the two occurred.
*I've gone from thinking I was going to deliver at 6 months, to making it to 8 so far.
*I'm still faced with the fear of delivering too soon and having to leave my child which has been apart of me for so long, at the hospital in an incubator.
*I've lost the best paying job I've ever had because my short term disability ran out & I wasn't authorized to return to work by time the company's policy allowed me to.
*I currently have to drive to Novi twice a week for OB appts and fetal non-stress tests, despite losing my job & gas prices rising.
*I've truly been tested and learned how dedicated and STRONG I can really be.
*I have TRULY been blessed despite my struggle and absolutely can't wait until I'm holding my son in my arms, staring into his eyes, and kissing on his juicy cheeks! :-D

Everything has been for you Jaedyn Sean Anthony Jones. I've learned so much in the past 8 months and pray that my efforts have been good enough. Forgive me for the times I wanted to crack under pressure and give up. I pray that I'm the best mother I can be and that I don't fail you once you're here. I'm so high off of the love I feel for you! I can't wait to see you snookems, I hope you have your mama's good looks ;-)
-Love, Mommy

So you see, even though I feel like I missed out on a lot of the joys and experiences most pregnant women get to have while they are expecting, and miss rubbing my big belly, or just having a small baby to hold and care for, I don’t plan to ever experience it again. Of course Jaedyn and everything I had to go through wasn’t planned either, but I’m taking the proper precautions this time around to make sure it doesn’t happen again. Someone close to me needs to have a baby soon so this feeling will go away or I can at least live it out through them! My new motto: JUST SAY NO TO KIDS!

You know we're in a recession when...

2009-08-08T00:44:00.003-04:00

I was up last night, having one of my regular late night IM chat's with Jaedyn's god mother, complaing about the pain in my ear. I was telling her I thought it was infected and how I didn't want to go to a clinic, pay $45 dollars to have someone look in my ear for 3 seconds, just to tell me it was infected and then write me a prescription for the antibiotics. She mentioned that they'd probably end up giving something that cost a lot. That's when I told her, they'd probably prescribe some Amoxicillin, and I already had some of that. Since I have to pay the full cost out-of-pocket for my prescriptions, as soon as I started feeling better, I would stop taking the medicine. Despite the doctors and label warning that said to finish all of the medication. She laughed at me, but I was so serious!

So that's how I came about this blog. I didn't have to do that before, but now that I'm unemployed and we are in this recession, quite a few things have changed. We came up with a couple things, but feel free to add your own. You know we're in a recession when...

...you save/stock up on certain prescriptions even though the label says "finish all of this medicine" because you don't know if you'll be able to afford it again when you get sick

...you go to a matinee and are outraged it cost more than $5.50. I seriously almost didn't see a movie today because the matinee was $6.50!!! Can we say dollar show please?!

...you no longer walk away from the gas pump at the gas station because you don't want to go over a certain amount. Or you only get enough gas to get where you need to go and back. "Lemme get $5 on pump number 10"

...you start clipping coupons and sign up on tons of websites for free coupons

...you shop more at thirft stores or only buy things used from amazon, craiglist or ebay

...when you're asked if you want to "Super Size" your meal, you have to seriously contemplate whether or not you can afford to spend that extra .40 cents!

...when you go inside a fast food restaurant to eat, you try to order your food like you are at a real resturaunt (Customer: "Yes, may I have the Big Mac combination entree; medium well, pickels on the side--cut in half, and drizzled cheese on the fries.")

...you don't even consider buying anymore Enfamil, Gerber or Huggies, but go straight for the store brands

...when you have young children, you take their toys from last Christmas, wrap them up and try to pass them off as new presents for this Christmas

...you save all the extra ketchup packets, soy sauce, taco sauce, etc., so that you don't have to buy any at the store

...you buy your child dollar store brand bubble bath and place a sticker of their favorite character on it to make them think they got the real thing

...you use your dish washing liquid as bubble bath, shower gel, and laundry detergent

...you use regular petroleum jelly to help your dry skin because let's face it, Eucerin and Aquaphor are just outrageously expensive!

KEEP EM COMING GUYS!!!

Is it time for some seating arrangements?

2009-08-07T00:27:00.006-04:00

When my depression hit an all time high--or my life was at an all time low--however you wanna look at it, my doctor recommended that along with the anti-depressants and anti-anxiety medicine he prescribed for me that I go see a psychiatrist. I was apprehensive about it at first. “Only crazy people need to see a psychiatrist”, I said to myself. I wasn’t crazy, just highly depressed. Every year since college, I’ve suffered from a mild case of S.A.D (Seasonal Affective Disorder). So it didn’t help matters that I had recently broken my ankle, was in a cast, and literally trapped in my own house all day long with an infant to care for on my own. The post-partum depression had started to kick in months ago, and then with my father being in the hospital from January – March; dying, didn’t make matters any better. I had too much going on with not enough support so I decided to go meet with her.

That was definitely one of the best decisions I ever made. I remember during our first session and she realized how bad off I was, she gave me her cell phone number and told me to call her any time, day or night, if I needed her. “Yeah, you work like 60 hours a week and have two kids, no way would I call you when you’re not in the office,” I thought as she kept trying to explain it wouldn’t be a problem. Ironically enough, just days after that initial meeting and I said I would never call her cell phone, sure enough I did!

It took a few moments for it to hit me when my mother told me my father was dead. I took Jaedyn and left out of his room where she and all the EMS people were and went down to my room. “Dead?!” I guess I was just numb at first but when it hit me, it hit hard. I immediately broke down. I had to take Jaedyn back to my mother, then I totally lost it. She and I didn’t have the best of relationships, plus she had Jaedyn so she couldn’t offer much comfort, and at the time I couldn’t think of anyone else to call. So I ended up calling Dr. Smith and I honestly don’t think I would have gotten through without her support and the support of my God mother (and God of course).

I had so much to deal with, basically all on my own. My sister couldn’t have cared less about us, so I was left with making all of my father’s final arrangements on my own. I had known for awhile that he was dying, but no matter how much you try to prepare yourself or distance yourself thinking it will make things easier, it won’t and nothing could ever prepare you to sit there and pick out one of your parents casket and urn or what outfit would be the last they’d ever wear, etc. My mother wasn’t any help since the service was being held at a church and she was a Jehovah’s Witness, and the issues with his greedy family members had already started even before he was laid to rest! On top of that, I now had to find a place for my son and I to live. It would have been nice to stay in the house I’d lived in for the past 10 years, however the rent was way too high and it would have been too eerie and hard on me since I had so many memories with my father there.

My father died April 3rd, 2009. By May 15th, I had found a place out-of-state for my son and I to live, packed up all of our stuff, got rid of most of the belongings in the house (which was A LOT), taken care of all my dad’s loose ends, as well as my own, and by May 16th, we moved into our new apartment. In between doing all those things, I made sure I kept up with my weekly therapy appointments. All of our sessions were helpful, but there was one in particular that stuck out the most.

I was telling her how upset I was that my “best friend” of 12+ years didn’t come to my father’s funeral. Out of all my friends who were there, she was the one who knew my father the longest/best and ended up giving me a shitty reason for not attending. Whereas, I had someone I used to work with for only a short period of time and only communicated via Facebook after I left the job, show up. She barely knew me and had never known my father or anything about him. That spoke volumes to me! That’s when we talked about who we have in the audience of our lives. Think of your life as a stage play everyone is watching. Just like with any play or event that requires a seating arrangement, there are “special” people who are able to afford front row tickets and watch close up, get to see everything that goes on, etc. Then there are those who can only afford the balcony seats way in the back and can only get a glimpse of what goes on.

After Dr. Smith explained that to me, she asked, “Do you think your best friend needs to still be in the front row of your life, or should she be escorted up to the balcony?”

It’s like I had an epiphany after she said that. I thought back to the beginning when we first became friends in the 8th grade. Every since we’ve been friends, things have always been one sided. I’m always there for her, coming to her house to hang out, doing the things she wants to do, and so on. She had the type of traits about her that I couldn’t stand in other females. She was never faithful, deceitful, drama filled, slept with married men-- in our church at that, tried to get with guys I was with…some of everything. Throughout the years we had times where we’d stop talking for a few months here and there but eventually things would go back to normal. This issue was the last straw though. She wasn’t there when my son was born or when my father died. She didn’t just get escorted up to the balcony; she was removed from the audience completely!

I didn’t just stop with her though. I evaluated my entire front row. Did the people who were there really deserve to be in the front row of my life? Some people were there for the wrong reasons: we had been friends for a really long time, I didn’t really like someone in particular but that person always came to special events in my life so I figured they should be there, maybe someone was just a mutual friend who was around a lot so I put them up front. There wasn’t going to be any more of that. We were moving to a different state, I was going through a tough time in my life, and was about to be completely on my own, so if I was going to be making some big changes, I was going to make them all at once. A lot of the people who were once in my front row are now viewing my life from the balcony. However, not only did I need to evaluate who I had in my front row and needed a downgrade to the balcony, but I had to evaluate who I had been keeping up in the balcony and deserved to be upgraded to the front row of my life.

I’ll admit, the change wasn’t easy at first. It took some getting used to and I felt kind of lonely after I did it, but now? My life is better than ever. I will always choose quality over quantity. I don’t have many people in my front row anymore, however they are the best audience I could ever ask for. After I chose to flush my anti-depressants down the toilet, I’d like to believe it was God, my son, and the people in my front row who helped me beat my depression. I don’t know what I’d do without the constant praise and encouragement fromthem. I know they are people who genuinely care about the well being of my son and I and don’t pretend to care or show an interest out of pity…or just to be plain nosey. My theme for 2009 was to only worry about me and mine in oh nine. It’s amazing how much unnecessary stress I got rid of just by letting certain people go and not worrying about what issues/drama they had going on in their lives. Hell, I have more than enough issues in my own life right now to be worried about someone else’s.

I thank those in my front row for loving us, constantly being there, supporting me through this very tough time and for the many prayers. It really gets me through when I’m down in the dumps and feel that depression trying to creep back up on me. I love you guys and thank God for you every night!

Who do you have in the front row of your life? Who’s up in the balcony? Is it time for you to make some seating arrangements in your life??? Think about it…maybe it's time to bring the ushers out!

Jaedyn did a body good!

2009-08-06T02:19:00.007-04:00

If I haven't mentioned it by now, I'm a diabetic. I was diagnosed in 2004 and although my dad had both legs amputated because of it, I STILL don't take it as seriously as I should. The only time I did was during my pregnancy because it could have had some horrible effects on Jaedyn or even caused me to have another stillborn.

I controlled it pretty well up until about my 8 month of pregnancy. After I got the steriods, it got super high and that's when I had to start taking insulin. Right after he was born, I stopped taking it. Once I brought him home, I was so busy trying to take care of him, sleeping, pumping milk, etc., that I would eat maybe 1 meal a day. Therefore I wasn't taking my pill (diabetic) anymore because I didn't want my sugar to drop too low. I've came close to going into diabetic shock so many times since they had me on so much insulin or just from not eating right and it's no good feeling. There's no way I could attend to Jaedyn if he needed me and my sugar was too low, so I just wouldn't take my meds.

When I went to the docs before we left Michigan, I admitted this to him. He said he would do some bloodwork and check my A1C levels. This tells the range my sugars have been for the past 3 months. I just knew when I got the results back they were going to be high! However that wasn't the case.

Last year around this time my A1C level was at 7.5 (which is really bad/high). Now they are at a 6.0!!! I'm sure it could continue to go down if I took at least one pill with dinner and continued to lose weight. My cholestrol was down almost 100 points too! Last time it was 250, now it's 162. My kidney and liver fuction was good and so was my overall blood count. I made him read my name and birthdate off of the papers because I couldn't belive those were my results he was reading, lol!

The last time I was weighed before having Jaedyn, I was 225. Hey, I'm fat, we can all see this, not afraid to admit my weight. When I weighed myself today, I was at 184! Hot damn, finally under 200 pounds. That was a surprise too because I felt like I have really been pigging out at times. I felt so inspired healthwise lol. I've been trying to lose weight for forever. I'd say I was going to exercise and eat better, but wouldn't stick to it. I don't want to lose a lot of weight, I'm fine with my biggness, lol. As they say on TV, "I just want to be a size healthy!"

I now have a little maniac to chase after. I need all the extra energy I can get. If I could lose just 26 more pounds, I'd be so happy with that. I will always have meat on my bones and wouldn't have it any other way. Thankfully with Type 2 Diabetes, with the right diet and exercise, it can be eliminated! I don't want to end up blind, with kidney failure or any amputations.

Most people gain a lot of weight during pregnancy. I gained FIVE pounds and lost more weight than I gained. I'm also healthier since I had him. Who would have ever known having a baby could do a body good?! LOL, so thank you Jaedyn! Mommy owes her healthier, 41 less pounds look to you! :)

The Thanksgiving I will never forget!

2009-08-06T01:25:00.002-04:00

Thanksgiving 2007:

I'm working a double at another house...tired as all hell. Doing doubles in the beginning was like nothing to me. I don't get much sleep anyways and for the most part, I don't do anything that would ware me out on my midnight shift. Though lately, I hated getting out of bed and as much as I loved my job, I wasn't feeling going to work. So I'm at this other house, helping make Thanksgiving dinner for the clients, fighting off sleep, and I'm running to the bathroom more than normal. I don't really pay that any attention though because as a diabetic when your sugar is high, it makes you go to the bathroom a lot.

I'm leaving out an important part...I was supposed to have a period November 13...Thanksgiving was what? November 22 right? I was a little worried at first, but then my friend brought it to my attention that because of all the hours I was working, and my lack of sleeping and eating properly, that was probably affecting my period. Duuuuuh! Why didn't I think of that, of course that's what it is. Not to mention all the other stress I was under. I said I was going to get a pregnancy test from the dollar store Friday when everything was open just to ease my mind. Though as I was getting near the end of my shift, I had these weird cramp like feelings going on. I'm like man...I got all the symptoms that I get right before my period starts, and now I'm cramping even...but where the heck is the red stuff? (Sorry if that was too graphic for ya, but come on, we"re all adults here)

I'm on my way home and I see that Dollar General is open. I say what the heck, let me go in here and just get this test so that I can rule out me being pregnant. I go in there, get 2 of their cheapest tests and head home. Even though I peed before I left work, I had to go again...cool. I dropped my stuff, went in the bathroom, peed in the cup, dropped what I needed to on the test and went about my business. I walked back by the bathroom after awhile and I'm like "oh yeah, the test!" This is the kind where one line is negative, two is positive. I walk in and just glance at the test...I see the one line. "Oh thank God!!!" I say to myself. I casually pick up the test to really look at it before I toss it and bam...there's the other line!

I AM FREAKING OUT at this point!!! I'm pacing back and forth, constantly saying "omg", crying, shaking...I'm flipping out. Then I thought you know, this is a cheap test, I want a real one, the kind that says "pregnant or not pregnant". I'm too shaken up to drive and go get another one so I managed to stop crying and called my "brother" up and he dropped what he was doing to come to my rescue. He came expeditiously (LOL) and I took two more tests. Time seemed to take forever...but after a few minutes, I was too scared too go look. I asked my brother to go do it for me. He went in the bathroom and when he was quiet...I already knew what they said. :-/ He brought the tests to me and sure enough, it was two more lines and the other one said "pregnant". My heart sank and I just dropped my face into my hands.

How did this happen? (Hush, I know how it happened). I guess I should say how could I let this happen again??? I'm still dealing with the loss of my second miscarriage, I was in the process of saving up to move out, I haven't had a real drink in awhile, I love my job and all the hours I'm able to work, and I had decided that I didn't want my own children anymore!!! Thankfully this time I do have health insurance so I am able to get the prenatal care that I need, but I'm already starting out with some problems...

I am considered high risk once again since I am a diabetic so I have to be seen by a perinatologist. I found out my blood type is B- which is very rare so I have to have some kind of shots just in case the baby's blood is postive so that we don't react, and...I just have a negative attitude about the whole thing. It's so hard to be hopeful about things and look forward to actually having a baby after everything that's happened in the past. All I can do is pray, try to remain healthy, and do the best I can to be able to deliver this kid!!

Mommy quiz

2009-08-06T01:05:00.002-04:00

Feel free to copy and paste this to your blog and fill in your own answers :)

1. WAS YOUR FIRST PREGNANCY PLANNED? Nope

2. WERE YOU MARRIED AT THE TIME? No

3. WHAT WERE YOUR REACTIONS? Scared, upset, worried, scared

4. WAS ABORTION AN OPTION FOR YOU? I thought about it even though I knew I couldn't go through with it

5. HOW OLD WERE YOU? 23

6. HOW DID YOU FIND OUT YOU WERE PREGNANT? I took a home pregnancy test just to rule out me NOT being pregnant, HA! Talk about a surprise

7. WHO DID YOU TELL FIRST? My big sis, Crystal

8. DID YOU WANT TO FIND OUT THE SEX? Absolutely

9. DUE DATE? July 19

10. DID U HAVE MORNING SICKNESS? Morning sickness on top of a stomach virus...twice...within a matter of weeks!

11. WHAT DID U CRAVE THE MOST? Spinach, beets, smoothies

12. WHO/WHAT IRRITATED YOU THE MOST? My parents & Jaedyn's sperm donor

13. WHAT WAS YOUR FIRST CHILD'S SEX? Male

14. DID YOU WISH YOU HAD THE OPPOSITE SEX OF WHAT YOU WERE GETTING? Nope, I've always wanted a boy. Guess God really does give you your heart's desire!

15. HOW MANY POUNDS DID YOU GAIN THROUGHOUT THE PREGNANCY? 5

16. DID YOU HAVE A BABY SHOWER? Nope, was in the hospital too much for all that

17. WAS IT A SURPRISE OR DID YOU KNOW? Uh, I knew I wasn't having one

18. DID YOU HAVE ANY COMPLICATIONS DURING YOUR PREGNANCY? Diabetes, incompetent cervix, protein-S deficiency, Rh negative, probably something else I care not to remember!

19. WHERE DID YOU GIVE BIRTH? St. John Providence Hospital

20. HOW MANY HOURS WERE YOU IN LABOR? 9ish

21. WHO DROVE YOU TO THE HOSPITAL? I drove in between contractions. Thank God the hospital was like right down the street!

22. WHO WATCHED YOU GIVE BIRTH? My mom and big sis

23. WAS IT NATURAL OR C-SECTION? Natural

24. DID YOU TAKE MEDICINE TO EASE THE PAIN? Yes, but I had back labor so it didn't help
25. HOW MUCH DID YOUR CHILD WEIGH? 6lbs, 8oz, 19in

26. WHEN WAS YOUR CHILD ACTUALLY BORN? June 26, 2008, exactly 6 months before my bday :)

27. WHAT DID YOU NAME HIM/HER? Jaedyn Sean Anthony

28. HOW OLD IS YOUR FIRST BORN TODAY? 13 months & some change

29. WHO DOES YOUR CHILD LOOK LIKE? I'm finally seeing ME in him, wooohooo

Oops, my bad!

2009-08-06T00:15:00.001-04:00

Last night I stayed up until almost 4am trying to figure out this whole blogging thing. Coming up with a name was the hardest part, and then every domain name I wanted was taken. Talk about frustrating! Not to mention I’m technologically challenged, LOL. I didn’t regret staying up that late too much since Jaedyn was going to day care in the morning. I could drop him off whenever he woke up, come home and go back to sleep. That’s exactly what I did too. I came home, did a few things and got my butt back in bed!

I used to download all the latest songs as ringtones for my sidekick, but when Jaedyn and I shared a room together, I would always turn my phone on vibrate so it wouldn’t wake him up. Now I keep it on vibrate all of the time. However, since I was cursed with being a super light sleeper, the vibration will still wake me up. I try to answer my phone if there is a number I don’t know, just hoping it will be an employer offering me a job interview. Well low and behold; my phone rang during my nap. When I answered, it was a car insurance agent. Over the weekend I had requested a quote from a few different places, just to see if I could get my auto insurance any lower, so lately quite a few agents had been calling me: Geico, State Farm, and some other unknown places.

The agent was explaining how he got my information and would prepare a quote for me if I was still interested, based on the information I’d given. I let him know that was fine and to call back after 3pm. He kept talking and talking and talking and all I really wanted to do was go back to sleep since I’d have to get up soon to do some stuff around the house before I headed to the gym. I cut him off in the middle of him explaining things and snapped, “Look, an agent from State Farm already left me a message and told me I didn’t qualify for your insurance since I haven’t had 12 months of continual coverage.” The kind agent chimes in and says, “Ma’am…I’m calling from Allstate, not State Farm.”

“Oh...oops!”

“I’ll prepare that quote for you and call back after 3” he says.

“Okay thank you”, I said as I hung up the phone feeling like an ass.

Needless to say, he never called back LOL, but I did find another company that will save me almost half of what I’m paying on my car insurance now with Progressive.

One bitch point for me I guess, but when you’re sleep deprived, what’s the difference between Allstate and State Farm? All I could comprehend was the “state” part!

25 Random Things About Me

2009-08-05T03:07:00.005-04:00

Get to know who all these crazy, random posts will be coming from :)

1. I love cartoons. Even when Jaedyn is asleep I will still watch Wonder Pets, Tom & Jerry, etc.

2. Even though I cook, I don't really know how to cook...does that make sense?

3. Kim Waters made me fall in love with jazz. Now I prefer it more than anything else

4. I used to be a Jehovah Witness

5. I actually miss college and plan to go back for my Masters sometime soon

6. I once had my manicuring license, but I forgot to renew it one year so I gave it up

7. I am a true Type A/Anal-Rententive/Obsessive Complusive person. My hangers in my closet are color coded, I know where everything in my room is because EVERYTHING has it's place, I can break out the swivel sweeper 2-3 times a day for the littlest thing on my carpet, even Jaedyn's diapers need to be properly lined up. Toilet paper MUST roll from over the top, if not, I will switch it. Even if I'm at someone else's house. Man I could go on & on!

8. I'm a stickler about time as well. DO.NOT.BE.LATE!!! If we plan something at 8pm, I'm gonna be there at 7:45. I DO NOT operate on "CP Time"
8a. DO NOT HAVE ME WAITING ON YOU!!! It drives me crazy and is a waste of my time!

9. I used to have an insane crush on Puff Daddy (sorry, he will always be Puffy to me)

10. Jaedyn and I used to share a room...and bed at night. As lame as it may sound, I miss cuddling with him all night long.

11. I only gained 5 pounds during my pregnancy and lost 25 after I had my son!

12. I'm proud to say I suffered from a depression and beat it, thank you Jesus!

13. I get excited about commericals of new cleaning products

14. I'm not anti-social, just the type to just sit back and observe

15. I've been celibate for almost 10 months now. Yay for celibacy... right?!

16. I don't think I could ever get enough of spinach, beets, and green beans

17. I do not eat "soul food". You know: greens, yams, sweet potatoes, dressing, corn bread, potato salad, lima beans, baked beans, black eye peas, neck bones, pig feet, meatloaf, this list could go on & on as well!

18. I'm a movie buff. I love naming actors and what else they've played in, going to the movies or just watching one at home

19. I have 10 tattoos, yep TEN

20. I haven't been in a serious relationship in over 2 years+ & as much as I am ready to finally change that, I don't see it happening anytime soon

21. I love going to church & I hope we can find a good church home soon

22. I started masturbating before I was even in middle school! Damn HBO specials :-P

23. Every since I had my son, I can't watch/hear things about something happening to another child. Ex: watching Losing Isaiah, hearing about a child being abused on the news, etc. It hurts my heart too much and instantly brings me to tears

24. When we were little, my sister and I would steal Slim Jims at Value City then go in the bathroom and eat them because we were hungry and our dad always took forever to shop!

25. I constantly doubt myself and parenting skills, even though I know I shouldn't. I don't give myself enough credit for all the things I've been through and constantly do on a daily basis, all on my own